(What if you threw a party and everybody came?)
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Here’s some wild and crazy news. Next year, Americans will again vote for a President, and the three leading contenders are old white men.
The current Oval Office wrangler, of course, is President Trump, an admittedly aged guy who’s known for three things:
- He’s the oldest person to have been President
- He’s the oldest person to have orange hair
- He’s the oldest person to have been named after a Spades maneuver
So, there’s Donald. And there’s Bernie. And now, Joe “Tourette’s” Biden is in. Well of course he’s in. And instead of me sharing the news that Joe’s finally admitted he’s running, I think it’d be a lot quicker if I just listed the Democrats who aren’t running. Of the forty million-plus registered Democrats in the US, I think there are five.
Now that Tail-grabber Joe’s officially in, the leading liberal candidates are Joe and a guy named Bernie Sanders, a man who acts more like an unhinged Yosemite Sam than a New England states’ statesman. As a result, the Democrats’ leading contestants are old white guys.
Well played, Diversity Party. Well played.
But it’s not the white guys’ fault. The quickly vanishing also-rans in the liberal tent range from boring to bat-barking insane. They’re mostly wild-eyed, bug-eyed, or pie-eyed. One of the lot, a junior United States Senator from California, filmed herself shopping for clothes. Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is a resumé.
Another of the Progressive wannabes is a first-term Senator from New Jersey who recently sponsored a law that will allow him to simultaneously run for President and run for re-election to the Senate. This is what’s known to this Oval hopeful as being “a man of the people” — as long as he’s the people.
One guy’s entire curriculum vitae consists of being a mayor in South Bend. A mayor. The last time a mayor was elected President was in 1923, when Vice-President Calvin Coolidge accidentally bored sitting President Warren G. Harding to death. The highlight of the “Silent Cal” administration is that one of his presidential speeches was the first to be broadcast over the radio, where he only sounded boring. There’s a rumor that once, during an unguarded moment in 1926, Coolidge nearly smiled.
Moving along, everybody’s already tired of Massachusetts politician Elizabeth Warren, a Presidential candidate whose platform was rejected by the International Used Car Salesmen’s Union as being too dishonest. Warren is best known for claiming to be Cher singing “Half-Breed.”
There’s a candidate that calls himself Beto. He’s a guy who looks like he got squeezed out of a secondary role in an “Archie” comic strip. There’s another candidate named John Hickenlooper, but that’s probably not his fault. There’s a woman from California who claims to have been a “teacher of transformational wisdom,” which she says with a straight face. There’s another mayor (San Antonio) who looks like he should be manning a console on the bridge of Star Trek, and another Californian whose plan is to use taxpayer money to buy back all the assault weapons from law-abiding citizens, so only criminals will have assault weapons.
And then there’s good ol’ Joe, who’s now been accused of improper touching by eleven civilians, two Charlie’s Angels, a confused guy on a Delaware Amtrak, and the entire lineup of the Radio City Rockettes. Joe says he’s the best candidate because he “gets it.” I think that’s part of the problem, Joe—you need to stop getting it.
As we pointed out earlier, President Ttump, at age 72, is already America’s oldest President, not to mention Earth’s oldest Twitter addict. But by the time we go to the polls next year, Uncle Joe will be five years older than that…and by the time the @*#($! voting precinct volunteers finally get the @*#($! voting machines to @*#($! work, he’ll be even older. Did you see Uncle Joe’s “I’m running, too” campaign announcement ad? He looked like he’d been Joan Rivers-ed about eleven hundred times.
How do you airbrush a live human?
Meanwhile, in the Republican and/or conservative camp, President Donald John Trump finally has a challenger. Running against the incumbent Commander-In-Chief is former Massachusetts governor Bill Weld, a man so somber he makes Calvin Coolidge look like Jerry Lewis.
Trump, as you’ve probably heard by now, spent the last two years getting investigated for “Russian collusion” and is now universally accused of being found not guilty. The exonerating verdict was harshly challenged by Hillary Clinton, when interviewed by reporters at her KGB-funded dacha in the Moscow exurbs.
However, 33,000 of Hillary’s emails could not be reached for comment.