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Look, America. That odd Saturday is here again. That weird weekend when we serve up a strange amalgam of horses and hooch, wide hats and wagering. Yes, it’s the Kentucky Derby.
On this day, somewhere in some confused United State that thinks grass should be blue, nineteen steeds will allow short men wearing silk to sit on them and slap their butts for two minutes while running in a circle. And if you think that’s confusing to you, imagine how the horses feel. Once they finish the loop and thunder across the finish line, you know they’ve got to be thinking, “What was the point of that? Weren’t we just here?”
Oddly enough, this qualifies as a “sporting event,” even though the entire “game” is shorter than one NFL commercial break. Plus, the Kentucky Derby almost never delivers any seriously cool violence, except among women who show up wearing the same hat.
(Of course, to be fair, some people refer to golf as a sporting event, too, and during a golf “game,” you’re actually supposed to be quiet. Sacrilege.)
But shifty definitions notwithstanding, the Kentucky Derby has officially been around longer than any other sporting event in the United States, if you don’t count Keith Richards hitting on waitresses. The very first “Run for the Roses” was held in 1875, the same year that American Bandstand host Dick Clark was born. That year, 1875, was also notable for several other globe-altering events:
- Director Zebulon Obadiah Lucas released the first Star Wars prequel. In a surprise plot twist, Jar Jar Binks kept his stupid mouth shut.
- A man named George F. Green invented the electric dental drill and was immediately gang-murdered.
- The Ostrogoten King Theodorik narrowly defeated the German King Odoaker by two syllables.
- Congress authorized the short-lived 20 cent coin, forever validating that political institution’s critical role in American history.
- A saint named Simplicius was elected by Vatican council to succeed a Pope named Hilarius. I am not good enough to make this stuff upius.
- A man named Zebulon Obadiah Trump recommended using Green’s electric drill on Congress. Trump won in a landslide, though the election was contested by Hilarius Clinton, dowager queen of Pantsuitius.
The Kentucky Derby, unchallenged as the only athletic event that exclusively recruits really short guys except for midget wrestling, was actually created by Meriwether Clark, the grandson of William Clark. Now, you may be asking … if you’re in the habit of talking to humor columns … “So who was William Clark?” Not to worry – I’m here for you: William Clark was the “Clark” part of Lewis & Clark, that ambitious pair of explorers who explored America’s west half and discovered the In-N-Out Burger, a primary cause-and-effect factor in explaining why people are free to defecate on the streets of Seattle.
Like any sporting event, regardless of the presence of any actual sporting, the Kentucky Derby has its share of tainted history. For example, the 1968 Derby winner, Dancer’s Image, was disqualified due to a drug scandal. It turns out the animal tested positive for an illegal medication, as though it were a pre-season running back for the Georgia Bulldogs.
Bizarre History sidebar: The 1968 Kentucky Derby’s purse, stripped from that stoner stallion, Dancer’s Image, was ultimately awarded to the second-place finisher, Forward Pass. Coincidentally, the Georgia Bulldogs were the first football team to throw a forward pass. I am not good enough to make this stuff up.
In 2015, the Kentucky Derby was won by a horse named American Pharoah, a horse that went on to win the Triple Crown, which is an early episode of “The Game of Thrones.” Sadly, American Pharoah was also disqualified after somebody pointed out the owners had misspelled Pharaoh.
Looking back, the first horse to win the Triple Crown was an animal named Sir Barton, in 1919, who later married a nurse named Clara. Okay, yes. Yes, I made that part up. The horse was not named Sir.
Interestingly, American Pharoah, despite being unable to spell itself, was the first horse in over thirty years to win the coveted Triple Crown, a term coined by the New York Times in 1930, thereby establishing that paper’s long, ongoing career of making stuff up.
As we speak, this year’s Run for the Roses is now in the books … and as it happens, Dancer’s Image now has some company in the Derby’s Halter of Shame. For only the second time in history, the winning horse has had its roses snatched back. Maximum Security, this year’s Derby winner – for a minute – was disqualified … for interference, and for colluding with the Russians.
Or I could be getting my races confused. Don’t blame me … I read it in The Times.