(Finally, after only 240 years, a talking toilet)
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Well, look. The Fourth of July is here again. Let’s all celebrate our independence by eating cows and buying discounted bed sheets.
Our grand – depending on who you ask – American non-colonizing experiment – depending on where you ask – has survived another year – depending on when you ask.
Outside our borders, based on the numbers of people trying to get inside our borders, we remain enticing. Inside – we’ve still some work to do.
Let’s review…
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Sign outside a church:
THE LORD IS MY SHEPERD, I SHALL NOT WANT
Aw, don’t be proud. Go ahead and want some spelling lessons.
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Democrats in Congress have unanimously passed a bill that will force schools to let guys compete in girls’ sports.
I’m particularly looking forward to Synchronized Swimming.
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Jobs That Must Suck
Pringles’ potato slicer
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A conversation between Alexa and me:
Me: Alexa, is it going to rain today?
Alexa: It probably won’t rain tonight.
Me: Alexa, is it going to rain today?
Alexa: There’s only an 18% chance of rain at 5pm by the way there’s a severe thunderstorm watch for that area until 10pm.
Me: Alexa, where do you get your weather information?
Alexa: Sorry, I don’t know that.
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And speaking of bright things, an American company has unveiled a smart toilet. Yes, finally – a standard bidet with a Stanford-Binet.
I suppose we should’ve seen it coming. After Amazon convinced us it had Alexa, a woman who always listens, I guess it was just a matter of time.
Among other things, Potty 2.0, when it senses you heading its way, will light up, play music, open the lid, and possibly recite some relevant poetry. Some time later … depending on what you’ve been eating … it will flush itself, close the lid itself, and get back to dreaming about becoming self-aware.
But before that SkyLooNet-like apocalypse kicks in, that toilet lid auto-management thing might help save lots of marriages.
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I learned something new this week, assuming it’s true. Once upon a time, carrots used to be purple.
Dutch horticulturists bred the orange into carrots as an homage to a member of upper management named William of Orange.
I’m guessing that the now-forgotten Dutch carrot baron, Fred of Purple, wasn’t impressed.
Jobs That Must Suck (continued)
Instructions manual proofreader for kitchen appliances made in Korea
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According to Wikipedia, “Gun ownership is the act of owning a gun.”
Huh. I wonder what “hot water” means.
Kind of makes you wonder if Wikipedia’s dating Alexa.
I learned two new words this week: amoan and summa. In fact, both words were used in one sentence when a coworker said, “Amoan get summa eat.”
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Democrat Presidential hopeful Cory ‘Spartacus’ Booker actually said “boldenly” on national television.
It was hilariating.
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Subject line from this week’s spam: YOUR RUSSIAN WOMAN
Cool. I didn’t know I had one.
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Here’s a headline tease I saw for an online news article:
MOTHER OF CHILD DRAGE QUEEN COMPLAINS ABOUT PEDOPHILE SEXUALIZING HER SON
Whoa. I can’t even figure out which bathroom I should sit in while reading that one.
One afternoon last week, I walked up my driveway to collect the mail, and near the curb I noticed that somebody had pushed a white golf tee into my front yard.
My best guess is that it was some kind of mute tribute to my lawn care.
Jobs That Must Suck (continued)
Second Responders
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Well, the first Democrat 2020 Presidential debate is now in the books. The endless thing took two nights, because the Surgeon General had determined no normal human could survive the entire candidate lineup in a single calendar day.
In spite of the swarm of dais hammerers, there were several candidates didn’t make the cut, because no one could prove they had opposable thumbs – but even after the cull, there were approximately eighteen hundred candidates on stage.
Their various ‘free’ hashish-pipe promises ranged from “free carpet cleaning for all” to “free college tuition for all” to “Vote for me and I’ll cure cancer.” (I am not good enough to make this stuff up.)
By the way – during the debate, Hillary went to the bathroom, which might have caused a delay in the debates except for the fact that she wasn’t there. Hillary and her bladder, which has its own pantsuit, were at a Russian dacha, awaiting further instructions on what data to destroy next.
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Yesterday, according to Alexa, there was a 51% chance of rain.
Seriously, darling? Fifty-one? Not fifty-two, eh?
There’s a 79.43858% chance that Alexa’s an idiot.
Subject line from this week’s spam: Talk to bored women!
That doesn’t really motivate. Got any bored, ugly, crude women with bad teeth?
Jobs That Must Suck (continued)
Walmart checklist gopher on Global Inventory Day
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I saw on the news that Democrat Presidential hopeful Amy Klobuchar has shared a recipe.
Well, that ought to clinch it.
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Recently, two very visible sports figures have been noted for kneeling. Former Florida star quarterback Tim Tebow was nearly destroyed for daring to kneel to pray. Meanwhile, NFL nobody Colin Kaepernick was applauded by various media muttonheads for kneeling in disrespect of the National Anthem.
Guess which one Nike chose.
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Me, Thursday: Alexa, is it going to rain today?
Alexa: There’s a chance of rain between 3pm and Tuesday afternoon.
Me: Yeah, I bet there is, darling. I bet there is.
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