(You! Move away from the taco!)
~-~-~-~-~-~

Recently, in some American town out there, a troubled citizen called 911. (true story)

“That’s not exactly a rare anecdote,” you may be saying, if you’re one of those lonely people who talk to humor columns. And you would be right.

But it wasn’t the call by a troubled citizen that was weird. What interested me was the trouble that troubled the troubled citizen.

You see, recently, somewhere out there, an otherwise normal-looking person making a purchase at their local Taco Bell suddenly discovered that the eatery was out of little hot sauce packets.

So the customer called 911.

And you know what that means: it means that right now, somewhere out there, someone who is that stunningly oblivious is driving a car.

And speaking of cars, I read online that somebody else out there called 911 to report “a machine gun mounted on a car.” It turned out to be the camera on top of a Google Maps vehicle.

Whew. Society, saved. Crime wave, barely averted. And that, children, is why Congress must act to outlaw fully-automatic assault cameras.

In case you haven’t discovered them, there is a wealth of websites whose sole raison d’être is to document dumb 911 calls. Some of the examples are an embarrassment to all mammals:

• My neighbor’s sprinkler is getting my lawn wet.
• The [store name redacted] won’t accept my coupon.
• I overslept my alarm. Please come take me to the airport.
• Where can I get a bacon sandwich right now?
• A deer just swam across the river and it looks cold.
• Please come take my son to the hospital. We just opened a box from Amazon.com, and it has packing peanuts in it, and he’s allergic to peanuts.

Okay, then. Looks like it’s time for another helpful “How Stuff Works” primer from the diaTribe. And if any of it offends you…

…call 911.

Times When You Need To Call 911

• You witness a crime, except on the TV
• You witness a crime story on the TV news, and you know who did it, unless you’re dating the perp and things are going well
• You observe a politician running for re-election who’s repeatedly not lying
• You have been robbed (excluding dignity or self-respect)
• You’re attacked by someone, and neither one of you is wearing professional wrestling tights
• You have a medical emergency (no, “burrito-induced flatulence that could blind a yak” doesn’t qualify)
• One of your cats, or relatives, won’t come down from a tree
• One of your cats, or relatives, won’t stop humping your neighbor’s cats, or relatives

Times When You Probably Shouldn’t

• You’re the hapless victim of a fast food condiment shortage
• You buy some street drugs and feel that, for the price, the quality is not up to par
• The sand in the volleyball court is too hot (true story)
• You’re driving across Kansas behind someone who’s had their left turn signal on since Vermont
• You’re not sure which one is the tablespoon and which one is the teaspoon (true story)
• When that guy on TV loses another loan to Ditech
• Somebody leaves an empty milk carton in the fridge (unless the kid sitting there slurping up the last of your milk is the same kid whose face is on the side of the milk carton)
• You’re seated on a plane next to a guy who brought on a goose as an “emotional support animal”
• You didn’t like the last season of Game of Thrones
• When your roommate stole your heroin (true story)
• You’re tired of that President Trump guy
• You heard that somebody’s actually, seriously considering making another “Die Hard” sequel
• It’s been weeks since you responded to his email, but you still haven’t received those promised millions of dollars from a deposed African prince
• The guy in front of you in the “10 Items or Less” lane thinks twelve cases of beer is one item
• When the ref makes an insanely stupid call in the fourth quarter
• Somebody vandalized your snowman (true story)
• You finally snapped and strangled that co-worker who keeps calling a “water heater” a “hot water heater”
• Your washing machine is telling you to file for bankruptcy (true story)