Weak in the News IV

(Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans. — John Lennon)

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It was a busy week at life this week, full of tight deadlines, hard decisions, and an unscheduled snake. Unfortunately for you, faithful reader, that means I was unable to dedicate the usual amount of time I set aside for composing a weekly humor column (seven minutes). So here are a bunch of random, disconnected thoughts, loosely culled from this week’s news on Earth.

Yes, most of my thoughts are usually disconnected, period, but you didn’t come here just to insult me, did you now. Ell oh ell.

Let’s begin:

  • This weekend, there’s another royal wedding on TV. Personally, I’m underwhelmed. For me as a TV viewer, it’s a toss-up between the wedding and an extended news piece featuring Geraldo Rivera discussing colons.
  • Just now, while looking out a window giving onto my front yard, I saw a 4-foot-long stick lift its head. Then the evil varmint slithered across the lawn, through the shrubbery, and right onto my front porch. Great. Now I gotta get a realtor.
  • The Supreme Court has decided to let us bet on sports while not being in Vegas. This is handy, given that every post-soprano male in America has been doing it since the day after horses were invented.
  • According to a new study, adult women can act like mean girls. Now there’s some groundbreaking research.
  • This just in: the media have taken President Trump’s remarks out of context. Gee. Who saw that coming.
  • According to a new law, Kansas cops can no longer have sex during traffic stops. As it turns out, there are 32 other States where consensual sex between police and people in their custody is not a crime. If that doesn’t make you slow down, I don’t know what will.
  • Maybe it’s just me, but the leader of North Korea looks like his coif was manufactured by Michelin.
  • Disclaimer on a web page: “Quarters, nickels, and dimes, if included in the pictures, are for size reference only. They are not included with the sale.” Well, darn. Understand – they had to declare that disappointing news to the purchasing public. That’s sad.
  • Someone apparently famous attended the royal wedding. Her given name is Posh Spice. No, honestly. That’s her name. What, did girlfriend lose a bet?
  • Here’s a pharmacological warning I hadn’t heard before: a drug ad on TV advises “Do not take Altrytopleezia if you’re allergic to fish.” That deserves a much better joke than I’ve come up with yet, so I’ll have to get back to you. Unless you eat the fish, in which case, we’ll all miss you. Shortly.
  • Right now, at a restaurant somewhere in England, there’s a waitress on the phone: “Say again? Windsor, table for 600?”
  • At an all-things-guitar-based website, you can actually spend $75 for a single flat pick. A plastic guitar pick. One pick. Once, in Laguna Beach, California, I bought an entire car for $100.
  • Seriously. Who dresses Hillary?
  • Oh, good. More money on the way from another deposed African prince. Novel delivery method, though, this one. I quote: “We have instructed to start sending the Money to you installs mentally.” Coincidentally, that’s also what happens if you eat the fish.
  • What the headline told us: OVERTURNED TANKER SPILLS 12 TONS OF CHOCOLATE ON HWY
  • What they left out: INJURIES INCLUDE 9 SCAVENGING COMMUTERS RUN DOWN BY BULEMIC PRIUS OWNER
  • Next time you’re feeling sorry for yourself, just remember this: you could’ve been Maxine Waters’ secretary.
  • My iPhone weather app forecasts a high of 71 tomorrow. And snow. You know, there’s a reason these apps only cost two bucks.
  • Had another Marketing department meeting last Friday. You know, if Congress would levy a middle-management acronym tax on corporations, by next Tuesday we’d have no more national debt.
  • The New York Times has referred to the Brookings Institute (think tank) as liberal, liberal-centrist, centrist, and conservative. Yeah, that should cover it. Thanks, old gray lady.
  • One night next week, at the place where they pay me to show up every week for five straight days, we’ll be deploying six software upgrades, beginning at 11pm. I’ll be tied up longer than President Trump’s porn star.
  • Concerning Britain’s royalty succession — who’s next to be King — Prince Harry is six seats away. Well, heck, so is Kevin Bacon.

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