(Saving the economy, one repair at a time)
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Here’s some exciting news: I’m buying a new air conditioner.

I’m also having a new air conditioner installed. Yes, those are two separate things, partly because my credit card limit won’t cover both.

Installation of an air conditioner is not included in the purchase price because very few people have the death penalty. This also helps explain why you can buy an electric clothes dryer, and then be told the electric cord is not included. (Hopefully, you’ll be told before you leave the store.)

In case you still live at home, or you’re in a witness protection program, please understand: a home air conditioner system (aka, HVAC) won’t work unless it’s installed. But, incredibly, installing the thing is not included in the cost of buying the thing. (think, “Oh, you want the times ON YOUR CAR?”)

Any marginally observant guy ought to have been able to spot the clues that this was going to be an expensive project. First of all, air conditioners are heavy, and as young Timmy learned from the now-eaten lawyer in Jurassic Park: “Are they heavy?” “Yes.” “Then, they’re expensive.”

See, air conditioning solutions are measured in tons, like women you don’t want to date. It appears to the untrained eye to be a featureless rectangle, approximately the size of a mid-range Japanese sedan (well, yes, of course it includes air conditioning).

The first company I contacted agreed to give me a free estimate, as long as I initially ponied up $99 as a fee for their drivers using GPS to find my house. I rejected their beatnik offer, but made a counter-offer to drive around and find their house, sometime after midnight. I’ll bring a dictionary, opened to “free.”

Here’s a quick summary of that conversation:
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HVAC Expert: Okay, sir or madam, I think I found your problem.

Me: What do you mean, ‘sir or madam’?

HVAC: These days, you never know. Last week, I saw some du…

Me: Okay, drop it. What’d you find?

HVAC: Looks like you’re gonna need a rotary gel-brushed common-ground coagulator. Elongated, of course.

Me: Of course. Is that expensive?

HVAC: Could save your kids’ life.

Me: I don’t have kids.

HVAC: We can help you with that, too.

Me: I’ll never be able to unhear that sentence.

HVAC: So, again, I’d recommend we install a radial gel-brushed common-law Torquemada ribbon.

Me: That’s not what you said before.

HVAC: This kind of technology evolves quick.

ME: Okay, thanks. I’ll let you know.

HVAC: That’ll be ninety-nine bucks.

Me: You’re not serious.

HVAC: We’re burnin’ daylight.
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I asked around among some more friends: anybody know anybody in HVAC that can count to zero? That doesn’t think “$99” and “free” are synonyms? Somebody that hasn’t actually done time? Eerily, nearly every tepid recommendation included, at some point, the word “but.” Finally, one promising reply stood out: Company X is very good, and honest, but expensive.

“Honest.” That’s huge. It’s very important that whoever I choose honors honesty, because my HVAC education basically consists of pointing, nodding, and writing checks. Occasionally, I can correctly identify suspicious water drops on the floor, but not if I’ve had college friends over to watch football.

Another candidate was suggested. I googled them and did not discover any red flags, like “indicted” or “building code violation” or “company mgmt. is appealing ‘breach of contract’ charges filed by the government of Central Australia.” They, too, wanted a fee to inspect my system, but at least they admitted it. So we set up the appointment. They promised to show up the next day, at some time between noon and seven pm, causing me to wonder if I’m mistakenly called a cable TV repairman.

So, soon I will be the proud owner of a new HVAC motor, installed and ready to help participate in the magic-like miracle of helping human stay alive during August in South Carolina.

Expensive? Yes. But despite the ultimate cost of this Hillary-pantsuit-sized rectangle which, like Hillary, also promises to blow air, I was promised a 12-month warranty. You read that correctly, twelve whole months. Don’t be jealous.

Yes, I have sliced cheese with a longer warranty, but let’s not niggle. Summer’s coming.