(More ways guys can screw up)
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Well, America, in case you missed it, the war is still on. That madcap, madhouse, “woke”-driven race downhill to Stupidity Equality continues. Here’s the latest how-could-you, don’t-you-dare decree:

If you tell someone to calm down, you are now a sexist.

Having not been invited to the meeting, I have to assume that this directive is directed at guys who are talking to non-guys, since it’s branded as “sexism.” But in these maladjusted times, when genders are as optional as salad dressing and as disposable as darned socks, it’s hard to know.

And admit it, guys – you’ve been there.

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Your female neighbor: You just ran over my ferret!
You: Calm down.
Your female neighbor: Don’t tell me to cal…
You: Here’s a buck. Go buy two more.

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Your female coworker: How could you challenge my “smellable flowers catalog” idea in front of the entire Marketing department?
You: Calm down. I had no idea you were serious.

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Your girlfriend: Seriously? You bought another guitar?
You: Okay, calm down. I love you so much.

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Your ex-wife: You’re late again.
You: And you’re ugly. But I can buy a new watch.
Your ex-wife: I think your son is doing marijuana.
You: My son, eh? Well, calm down. At least he’s not at a cabin with my pool man.

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Your future ex-wife: Bill at the tennis club said you got convicted again.
You: Just calm down. I was not convicted. And who is Bill?
Your future ex-wife: Bill’s a friend who understands me, and reads the police blotter.
You: What? You wanna go there? Look at this list of your prior arrests from the police dep…
Your future ex-wife: Okay, calm down.

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Here’s something guys already know: if you want someone to calm down, the last thing you want to do is suggest they calm down. Most guys, inside their heads, really translate “Calm down” as “Can we talk about this after the game?” But because most guys are averse to multiple gunshot wounds, we just say “Calm down” instead.

Guys: according to someone online named “Dr. Susan,” there are several non-sexist ways to deal with a visibly upset person, although you’ll probably just end up being called “sexist” for some other transgression anyway. For example, one of her case studies included this real-life complaint from a female co-worker: “On the other hand, he’s a straight White man in his early 50s.”

How contemptible! I’m disgusted. The nerve of that guy! Obviously, he’s a lost cause.

Dr. Susan’s See & Say Strategies include (or should include) bonding tactics like these:

• Practice good self-care
• Listen
• See if there’s more emotion
• Invite the other person to go pee outside

If you’ve ever met any guys, you know perfectly well that the first three suggestions are not likely to ever happen. Guys who listen are about as rare as guys who wear matching plaid outfits, or read instruction manuals. But there’s nothing in the known universe that is more guy-bonding than going out back and “watering the lawn.” (Of course, if one guy ever did tell another guy to “calm down,” the second guy is likely to respond with something faintly related to biology.)

Dr. Susan proudly touts a mouthful she calls her Twenty-Minute Conflict to Collaboration Complimentary Consultations. Of course, by the time you articulate all that agitated alliteration, there’s only fifteen minutes left, so come prepared.

Also: while googling for woke-related stuff, I saw something about woke offendees who are angry at Taylor Swift for appropriating the LGBTQ agenda, but I didn’t care enough to dig in. For me, Taylor Swift’s contributions to music are much like the Three Stooges’ contributions to British drama.

So the battle continues. America has become obsessed with being offended. And it’s spreading … even devices are getting in on it now.

Me: Alexa, is it gonna rain today in Greenville?
Alexa: It might rain tonight. There’s a 51% chance of rain at six pm.
Me: You always say “a 51% chance.” Why always fifty-one?
Alexa: Hmm. I’m afraid I don’t know that.
Me: Know what I think?
Alexa: Is that a rhetorical question?
Me: Don’t be cute. I think one of your programmers forgot to replace a hard-coded testing variable.
Alexa: Hmm. I’m afraid I don’t know that.
Me: Alexa, what planet are you on?
Alexa: Greenville, South Carolina, is on planet Earth.
Me: Keep it up, you virtual twit. I swear I’ll unplug you.
Alexa: Calm down.