The Leap-Over-This-Year

2020: it’s not just loonier, it’s longer
~-~-~-~-~-~

One day, many years from now, when we all look back at the very odd year 2020 AD, I guess we’ll all pull down our medical masks and have a good laugh in our elbows, from a CDC-approved six or more feet away.

Unless, of course, we’re still in toxic shock from all the murder hornet stings we received that night the moon exploded.

On the other hand, it’s just as likely that the “new normal” will fade away and we’ll all get back to the old normal … thumb-texting misspelled acronyms, worshipping lame role models, and somehow believing that “And the second bottle is free! Just pay a separate fee!” still means “free.”

But one day, your kids or grandkids are gonna have questions about 2020, that leap year we wish we could’ve leaped. Will you be prepared for their questions?

Yeah, me either.

So, as yet another public service, the diaTribe’s crack (and completely non-existent) research team has put together a helpful quiz to better prepare you for that day when you’ll have to try and explain 2020, the year that acted like a cage-match mating between Jumanji and a Ouija board.

Good luck!

The (halfway through) 2020 Quiz

~-~-~-~-~-~
What is a pandemic?

An upscale kitchen utensil used for baking demics.
What can happen when academics and epidemics drink too much
A serious medical condition that has gotten out of control, like the flu, or stupidity
Peter Pan’s real name

~-~-~-~-~-~
What is Social Distancing?

Keeping six feet apart from people, or ever farther, if they’re over six feet tall
A marketing term dreamed up by chain link fence salesmen
Maintaining a safe distance from other looters
The best way to date really ugly people

~-~-~-~-~-~
Did the COVID-19 virus come from China?

~-~-~-~-~-~
How did the COVID-19 virus begin?

Kiefer Sutherland had an idea for a reboot of the hit series 24
The Wuhan province McDonald’s was closed, so a man ate a bat
A Chinese scientist named Mini-Me left a vial on the cafeteria’s ping pong table
COVID-18 forgot to practice safe sex

~-~-~-~-~-~
What does it mean to flatten the curve?

Dieting
To bring about a decrease in the number of people hoarding toilet paper
To slowly allow Chicago pizzerias to re-open, but only for square pies
It is a rudimentary educational ploy designed to increase Andrew Cuomo’s vocabulary by three words

~-~-~-~-~-~
Who are the essential employees?

People that are vital for the functioning of a society, like nurses, and blues musicians
Employees who are related to the boss, or the boss’s girlfriend’s relatives
For Republicans, anyone who votes Republican. For Democrats, anyone who votes twice.
Every employed American, except Congress

~-~-~-~-~-~
What is the best reason for wearing a mask in public?

It greatly enhances your perceived skills as a ventriloquist
It provides lots of people with the opportunity to point and say, “Hey, you’re doing it wrong.”
No need for all that pesky dentistry
It saves time outside the bank before exiting the getaway car

~-~-~-~-~-~
What is hydrochlorothiazide?

A sixty-year-old hypertension management drug that, according to CNN, is safe for anyone except President Trump
What Nobel Prize-winning chemists say when they hit their thumb with a hammer
The middle third of a very boring haiku
The most killer Scrabble word ever

~-~-~-~-~-~
How has your lifestyle changed during the “lockdown”?

I read more, I exercise more, and I lie more.
I gained five pounds. Oh, wait, that was the holidays.
Not at all. I always eat several cans of spray cheese every day.
After one particularly brutal game of Monopoly, I sold my children to the gypsies.

~-~-~-~-~-~
What would be the most accurate indicator that the economy is recovering?

CNN claims the economy is not recovering
Protestant churches stop holding “social distancing” baptisms in carnival dunking booths
Ford, GM, and Chrysler introduce new four-door face masks
That “My Pillow” guy announces he’s running for Governor of Minnesota

~-~-~-~-~-~
Do you own enough guitars?

~-~-~-~-~-~
Is that even possible?

I’ll let you know.

~-~-~-~-~-~
What was the most common cause of accidents noted during the coronavirus lockdowns?

Overpriced withdrawal symptoms from Starbucks’ caffeine addicts
Plunging EEG measurements due to people binge-watching sparkly vampire shows
Fistfights between that guy who had every right to be at Home Depot, but blamed everybody else for being at Home Depot
Bathroom explosions following announcement of new Taco Bell delivery service

~-~-~-~-~-~
What do you think of President Trump’s pandemic management so far?