(Tricky advice: don’t procrastinate yet)
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Friends, here’s a quick warning: you and Santa are running out of time.
Check your calendar. if you’re still trying to work up the courage to go Christmas shopping, it’s time to gird up. Time to hunker down. Or, as the ancient Greeks used to say, you need to look slippy. Your shopping window is shrinking faster than Boeing’s stock. (“Boeing” is an ancient Greek word loosely translated as “mostly balsa.”)
Today is December 21st. It also happens to be the shortest day of the year, a day known to the Druids, dozens of weathermen, and six Wisconsin Wiccans as the Winter Solstice. (“Solstice” is an ancient Greek word loosely translated as “shorter than Danny DeVito’s valet.”)
It’s hard to believe, but by the time you read this, it’ll be Christmas Eve, or New Year’s Eve, or June, depending on how thrilled you are that I’ve written another humor column. So you and the large jolly guy are running out of time to head for the mall and drop a few Ben Franklins. (You must shop; otherwise, the terrorists win.)
By the way, while you’re at the mall, be sure to drop by the mall-mandatory food court, where you can eat something fried while sitting at a table wiped down by an East European refugee, using the same damp cloth the food court’s kept in a bucket since Nixon.
And since it’s nearly the eve of what we used to be allowed to call Christmas Eve, all of us here at the diaTribe want to help, because we’re like that, as far as you know. So here are some last-second gift ideas that are sure to please, inexpensive, and easy to find.
As far as you know…
Holiday Movies
- Tom Clancy’s The Hunt For Red-Nosed October
- It’s A Wonderful Half-Life: A Chernobyl Christmas
- Babes In Neverland
- Thelma & Louise & Rudolph
- Miracle On Elm Street
- A Holiday Season Carol, by Charles Dickens & the ACLU
- Buddy the Elf Gets Diabetes
- How The Impeachment Stole Christmas
- Ridley Scott’s It’s A Wonderful Lifeform
Niche Gifts
- Gift cards from the Transitioning Men’s Wearhouse
- Tiny Tim’s Greatest Hit
- The Spud Johnson Vineyard’s Great Big Ol’ Box o’ Wine (pallets available)
- Horoscopes For The Clinically Depressed
- 24andMe (genetic reports for mutants and other members of Congress)
- Me Too’s Holiday Season Vasectomy Gift Cards (6- or 12-pack)
Games For Children You Don’t Particularly Like
- Fun Stairway Antics
- Cool Things To Do With Matches
- My First HVAC Wiring Kit (ages 3 and up)
- Time To Bathe the Kitty!
- Parachutes & Ladders
- Pin the Tail On the Assistant Principal
- Sharp Pointy Legos
- More Ways To Go Deaf
- Where’s Waldo’s ATM Password?
Politically Incorrect Books
- Protein Alternatives, by Taco Bell
- Rudolph the Red State Reindeer, by Jane Fonda
- Mom Field-Dresses Her New Fur Coat
- Manners Are For Girls: A Chauvinistic Pig Primer
- Repeat Offender: The True Story of Dopey the Dwarf
- Dr Phil’s What’s That Lump?
Very Long Books
- Synonyms For ‘Green,’ by US automobile manufacturers
- Dating, by Wilt Chamberlain
- Reasons Ted Cruz Should Shave
- Short Stories, by Stephen King
- Things Trump Did Right, by the Republican Party
- Things Trump Did Wrong, by the Democrat Party
- People Who Are Sick Of That ‘My Pillow’ Guy
- Why Hillary Thinks She Lost
Very Short Books
- The Neiman Marcus Bargain Basement Tour
- Facebook’s Contributions To Literacy, Parts I & II
- Nothing But the Truth, by Adam Schiff
- Clever Aspects of the “Dookie” Emoji
- My Favorite Green Pea Recipes
- Stuff I Don’t Tweet About, by Donald Trump
- Women I Respect, by Jeffery Epstein
- Cable Channels You Actually Watch
- Joe Biden’s Favorite Charities
- Chinese Buffets That Construction Crews Don’t Frequent
- Elizabeth Warren’s Fashion Tips
- The Great Meals of England
- Why Hillary Lost
So. Get moving, people. Go to the mall, assault somebody in the parking lot over a parking space, and buy stuff!
And to you and yours:
Merry Ethno-Generic Fully Optional Deity-Nonspecific Seasonal Timespan!