(One small step for m-word, one giant leap for, um, penguinkind)
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I don’t know what’s in the drinking water in Nebraska’s capital, but somebody might want to run out there and test a vial. Based on headlines coming out of the heartland, it appears that some of Lincoln’s local leadership are – to borrow an old lyric – slippin’ into darkness.

See, a school district in Lincoln has instructed its teachers to refer to their boys and girls, not as “boys and girls,” but as … ready?

Purple penguins.

These days, it seems, being labeled “boy” or “girl” is way too much pressure, especially for very short people still learning to tie their own shoes. It’s too restrictive. Apparently, school tykes too young to even spell “puberty” are being sexually repressed all across the great American Midwest, except in Detroit, which recently seceded and joined OPEC.

Call me a relic, but I really don’t think you should have to worry about sex until after you can sing the alphabet.

But that’s the plan in Lincoln. None of this outdated boy-girl nonsense. They’re going with penguins.

Maybe they’re bored. After all, a website listing “Fun things to do in Lincoln!” leads off with the Museum of American Speed. (Turns out the museum is celebrating the speed of cars, not the speed one associates with Ohio, Indiana, and exploding trailer parks.) Maybe they’re just naturally solemn. Remember – the place was named after President Lincoln, and we all recall what a loud hellion he was.

Maybe they’re numb from Omaha envy; after all, Lincoln’s only the second-most populous city in Nebraska, and that’s got to chafe, especially when coupled with that whole Speed Museum thing.

But don’t change those family vacation travel plans just yet! Further down the “fun things” list are three (three!) stadiums, a place called Skate Zone, and the Lester F. Larsen Tractor Test & Power Museum. Take that, Orlando!

Whatever the reason, some Lincolnian administrative-types have sipped the Kool-Aid and joined the gender jihad. No more caveman-era nonsense like being a b-word or a g-word!.

(sorry … caveperson-era)

“Gender isn’t binary,” says the school program’s spokeshuman, a person who also claims to be — in another one of those “I’m not good enough to make this stuff up” moments — a comedian. “It’s not either or,” he or she or whatever continued. “When you find it necessary to reference gender, say ‘Boy, girl, both, or neither’,” a comment sure to delight public bathroom salesmen … excuse me … saleshumans.

Look, we know boys and girls are different, and not just because archaeologists working digs in Tanzania’s Olduvai Gorge turned up separate bathrooms (with helpful little Paleolithic symbols on the doors: Hunter-Gatherer and The Little Missus). At the subatomic level, kids are different. Boys have an X and a Y chromosome (and yes, they’re blue and shaped like a baseball mitt); girls have two X chromosomes (well, of course they’re pink). Plus, boys have extra genes. There’s the Gene Hackman, the Gene Wilder, the Gene Simmons, and the Levi Strauss denim blue-genes (they’re on sale, too, at the Helix Gap).

These are just facts. This is all just pure, proven science, like that Big Bang Theory thing that’s now been confirmed by an ancient galactic selfie.

But now, second- and third-graders in Nebraska are being encouraged to explore their sexuality; what’s more, to be comfortable considering alternative gender sexuality, and then a graham cracker and a nap.

Back when I was in school, we were too busy staring at girls to think about trying to become one.

And it’s not enough that the gender-benders want to deconstruct Dick and Jane. (Spot’s got his own worries, fighting to add pre-existing conditions to his Universal Hound Care.) Fueled by righteous indignation and other intestinal disorders, anti-binary gender warriors are even going after imaginary characters. There’s a new, politically-correct Popeye, who no longer smokes, has no tattoos, and refuses to eat Monsanto spinach. (By the way, Olive Oyl divorced Popeye, left Swee’Pea with Wimpy, and is currently pursuing a degree in Women’s Studies at Wellesley, with a minor in Emasculating Self-Defense Techniques.)

There’s also a planned makeover to rework Thor, the Thunder God, as a woman (for the movie role, I recommend Kirstie Alley, or Marlon Brando). Next, I suppose, we’ll see that hot hot hottie, Wonder Woman — now known as, I don’t know, Wonder Person — and Super-specimen, the Penguin of Steel. (Brando could play both parts)

It’s a sad day for comic books. Spider-person. Aqua-anthropoid. Bat-hominid. The adolescent wonders, Superboy-girl-both-or-neither. The continuing adventures of CatWellesleyAlum.

But look on the bright side. Swappable genders ought to provide a few plot twists for Hollywood’s idea-cranker-outers. Maybe the world is weary of stale old B-word meets G-word story lines.

Imagine it: Robert Downey Jr. starring in the next inevitable superhero sequel, Iron Person VIII – The Angst of Pepper.

Or Fantastic IV IV: The Death of Suspension of Disbelief, starring Jodie Foster as Mr-Mrs-Both-or-Neither Fantastic, and co-starring J. Edgar Hoover as his wife spouse, The Invisible Matron.

And hey! Nebraska! Where does all this nonsense leave Bat-hominid’s arch-enemy, The Penguin?

Hmmm?