(Sarcasm is on life support.)
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Journalists, particularly print journalists, call it “burying the lead.” It’s the act (or the art, or the mistake) of beginning a story with less important details, while postponing the main point of the story.

That last paragraph is a perfect example. By talking about the concept of “burying the lead,” I’m burying the lead. Forgive me, New York Times style guide, which brings to mind another fun word: oxymoron.

So let’s get to it. Here’s one of the main points of this week’s discussion: a likely 2020 Presidential candidate has posted a selfie video of his own head, talking, while getting his teeth cleaned. And behavior like that is what’s slowly, steadily ensuring the death of sarcasm: it’s getting harder and harder to make up stuff that’s funnier than what people are actually doing.

“Okay, for the next scene in this week’s parody sketch, we’ll imagine that candidate Ego Zeppelin posts a video of himself getting his teeth cleaned. Then, we’ll pan the camera to sh … say what?”

(By the way, the “check out my cool molars lol” candidate’s name is Robert Francis O’Rourke. For some reason, he goes by the nickname “Beto,” though that may or may not be his own fault.)

Here’s another example of sarcasm’s inability to keep up with actual human behavior. I recently learned, through no fault of my own, that January 6 is National Bean Day (of course, with over 1,500 national days, it was just a matter of time before legumes got a turn). So, to make a joke – and as a fan of Mel Brooks’ movies – I quipped that the day following National Bean Day should involve an official appreciation of flatulence.

Guess what.

That’s right, January 7 is … too late, sarcasm … National Pass Gas Day.

(As you might imagine, National Pass Gas Day goes by other, more pedestrian names, too. But ten years ago, when I first started writing humor columns, I made a promise to myself: don’t ever write a joke that uses the word booger or fart. So far, so good.)

National Pass Gas Day dope-slaps sarcasm in another way: you can’t sarcastically suggest that there’s probably hard science involved…because there’s hard science involved. According to one expert named Dr. Billy, the average person will, um, deny olfactory ownership 13.6 times a day, unless they are in a Mel Brooks’ movie, or are fond of cabbage.

13.6 times. Something about the precision of Dr. Billy’s research scares me. I would bet that his scientific method utilizes a control group and an out-of-control group. (I don’t care to know what the placebo would be.) Also, according to Dr. Billy, outbound flatulence has been clocked at a speed of ten feet per second. Of course, this means that somebody, well, stood there, enough times to get an average, not to mention a top velocity. Now there’s a research assistant who shows up early for work.

Pharmacological Sidebar: There can be no doubt of Dr. Billy’s credentials, because he’s also addressed the age-old question of why men have nipples. (I’ve personally addressed that same question, and my answer was way funnier than Dr. Billy’s.)

So, as sarcasm in America sinks into irrelevance, its passing will be mourned by people who depend on it, like guys who write humor columnists, and smart alecks. But even as its light dims, we’re happy to announce that coincidence is alive and well. This year, coincidentally, the day following National Pass Gas Day is known as Divorce Monday – the busiest day of the year for new get-me-out-of-this filings. Or maybe that’s not a coincidence.

And Divorce Monday immediately follows what has historically been the busiest day of the year for online dating sites. Coincidence? Of course, those stats could change quickly if online daters decide to start posting intimately oral videos of trips to the dentist. Imagine the online dating profile:

• Name: Beto
• The perfect mate: a biped with no exposed lesions – I’m not real picky
• The perfect date: long walks on the beach, mulled cider, conjugal flossing

I’ll have to admit that, should sarcasm finally abandon us, there could be dry days ahead in Humor Column Land. But as long as we’re blessed with social media ego bathing, Pass Gas Days, and politicians posting movies of their own mouths, I guess we’ll be okay.

Let’s just pray none of the Presidential candidates will schedule a colonoscopy. On facebook.