(The ABCs of SDDs)

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I like science. There, I said it. I like science way more than, say, social media. I like science because it explains things to me, like why it always hurts when I hit myself in the head with a hammer. Social media isn’t helpful like that; in fact, social media is usually why I want to hit myself in the head with a  hammer.

Also, science validates me. Occasionally. Every now and then, science will swing round and confirm something I was already pretty sure was true, like global warming, or cooling, or climate change, or whatever scientists all across the globe are completely not agreeing to call it this week. (Back in the day, we had a different word for warming and cooling. We called it seasons. And then we shut up and went to work.)

Scientist-types are constantly providing us with dependable facts, which we know are true because they wear white lab coats, they’re constantly measuring stuff, and they almost never appear in breaking news stories containing the phrase “SIX SLAIN AT PUPPY CHRISTENING.” Scientists always deal with facts. In that respect, they’re unlike TV commercials, weathermen, and politicians running for re-election.

And now it’s happened again. Science has proven that staring at a “smart” device for 23 hours a day can damage your kids. There’s even a name for this new malaise – Screen Dependency Disorder. And, according to a website called MomJunction (well of course there is), SDD can damage your kid’s brain.

So, there it is. It’s either your kids or your smartphone. It’s time to act. You know what you have to do. It’s time to get rid of the kids.

The Screen Dependency Disorder article writers at MomJunction worked hard to find just the right balance between “now don’t go overboard with this” and “everybody’s gonna be dead by morning.” According to researchers, it’s now been proven that toddlers who spend stupid amounts of time staring at telephones have stupid parents. Moreover, the device-addicted kid will get less sleep, be less focused, and will have the uncanny ability to take four hundred selfies during one three-minute trip to the bathroom.

Overall, MomJunction has a boatload of motherly-oriented content, like their helpful “How To Get Pregnant” tips that include tasteful suggestions on the best sex positions if you want to conceive twins, which makes me think of about nine different jokes, and I’m not proud of any of them.

The website also offers page after page of allegedly fascinating articles and tools, like their furiously optimistic “Fourteen Stunning C-Section Photos” which, speaking as a single guy, is about fourteen too many. They have a handy Labor Contraction Tool (two options: Find My Husband & Kill My Husband). There’s a Numerology Calculator, a Baby Horoscope Calculator, and the weirdly named “Chinese Gender Predictor.”

Anywasy … as it turns out, Screen Dependence Disorder is practically a twin itself, given that it’s closely related to another newly discovered malady, Internet Addiction Disorder, a wretched little condition with several aliases: Compulsive Internet Use (CIU), Problematic Internet Use (PIU), and … wait for it … iDisorder. (Wanna be a socially flawed human being? There’s an app for that!)

The signs and symptoms of Screen Dependence Disorder are still being defined, but some of the leading candidates are weight loss — or, conveniently, weight gain (see global warming or cooling), dishonesty (see running for re-election), and an inability to prioritize (see my retirement fund). The list of symptoms also includes, and I quote: “headaches, poor nutrition, eyesight problems, and poor nutrition.” (see Proofreading Disorder)

One study has shown that for every fifteen minutes a kid uses a smartphone, they lose an hour of sleep. On the plus side, of course, during that fifteen minutes, they can generate several hundred more selfies.

At the end of the day, pediatricians are recommending that tykes from 2-5 years old limit their tweeting and thumb-typing of LOL and OMG to one hour a day, unless they become President of the United States (don’t see Hillary Clinton). Personally, I think two years old is a bit early to have a facebook account, but people that are much taller keep trying to convince me that, on facebook, spelling, punctuation, and grammar don’t count. (see hitting myself with a hammer)

Besides, if I’m following the research correctly, one child-hour online translates into four hours of lost sleep. Per toddler, per day.

And also, I’m guessing, per parent.