Abby Redux XII

(Everybody’s favorite straight-shooter is back!)

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It’s been a year and an half since we last heard from Abby Redux, America’s favorite jaded advice columnist. In that time, we’ve experienced several amazing things here in America:

  • Britain decided to leave the European Union after Greece tried to borrow ten bucks from a guy in France.
  • In the Presidential election primaries, Donald J. Trump managed to beat out the entire slate of Republican hopefuls, which at last count was over 18,000 white men.
  • The Chinese stock market took a disastrous plunge, forcing Apple to start buying its own phones.
  • Pope Francis visited Central America, and the Olympics were held in South America. Crying “bias,” the Canadian hockey team all converted to a weird form of fully armed Judaism.
  • Russia had planned to rig the US Presidential election, but when then saw who was running, they decided it was in their best interest to just let it happen.
  • NASA’s Juno spacecraft blasted off for Jupiter. Perennial Presidential candidate Ron Paul demanded that the US remove its troops from Jupiter.
  • Hillary Rodham Clinton became the first alleged female to be nominated for President while wearing handcuffs.
  • Thousands of illegal immigrants, upon arrival from Mexico, decided to turn around and go back home once they realized there are now actually more Mexicans here than in Mexico.
  • After (yet another) dump of 650,000 Clinton-related emails from WikiLeaks, campaign chair John Podesta was fired for typing 650,000 emails instead of working.
  • The Chicago Cubs managed to complete an entire baseball season without getting shot on the way to Wrigley Field.
  • In a first-of-its-kind diplomatic ploy, Secretary of State John Kerry decided that the best way to keep Iran from getting nuclear weapons was to give Iran nuclear weapons.
  • Barack Obama apologized for something.
  • I made that last one up.

For those of you who regularly read my weekly humor columns (my family, Julian Assange, the NSA), bitter Abby and her barbed advice column need no introduction. But if you’re not familiar with her work, Abby Redux makes a living giving advice – but in Abby’s case, there’s a twist: Abby doesn’t really like people. And so, Abby has that envious opportunity of being able to say to idiots what you wish you could say to idiots … and she gets paid to do it! (though I’m pretty sure she’d do it for free)

By the way, you faithful readers out there will be glad to hear that Abby and I finally worked through that pesky bickering last year, regarding Abby’s insistence that I pay her for reprinting snippets from her advice column. I was ultimately able to get Abby to admit that I have no such obligation. After all:

  • Abby doesn’t really exist.
  • Thanks to me, Abby is more popular than Geraldo Rivera…not that that took much.
  • Heck, I don’t even pay me.

So…here’s some more of Abby’s recent correspondence with her readers. Welcome back, Abby!
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Dear Abby Redux,
I have a problem. I’m in love with a man who insists that he should be allowed to use the women’s bathroom.
Signed,
Carolina North

Dear NC Leadership,
Yes. You have a problem.
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Dear Abby Redux,
I werk hard all weak, but somtimes my ol lady don’t have supper ready when I git home. How do I train her better before the ball game starts?
Signed,
Pastor Bye

Dear Troglodyte,
Shut up.
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Dear Abby Redux,
I used to work in the Clinton White House. For a year now, I’ve been posting damning anecdotes about Hillary’s caustic temperament. This morning when I woke up, there was a horse’s head on my pillow. Should I dial 911? Or the ASPCA?
Signed,
Ick-Day Orris-May

Dear Dick,
Find a plastic surgeon, and then contact somebody at the Federal Witness Protection program.
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Dear Abby Redux,
Since I first bought an Apple iPhone, years ago, I’ve stopped wearing a watch altogether. Now Apple wants to sell me a watch…for potentially thousands of dollars…and the watch still requires me to have in iPhone nearby. What should I do?
Signed,
Siri S. Shopper

Dear Siri,
You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Wait till Apple patents the iBladder.
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Dear Abby Redux,
Recently, I embarrassed my boyfriend, and so he beat me up in an elevator. Now he’s proposed marriage. My question: should I wear white?
Signed,
Frieda Chuze

Dear Frieda,
Girl, what you should be wearing is track shoes.
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Dear Abby Redux,
I don’t know where these spammers are getting their email lists, but they somehow seem to think I really, really want two things: someone to work on my private jet, and breast enhancement. And I’m just a hockey-playing schlemiel from Saskatoon with a mortgage!
Signed,
Ed R. Edna

Dear Possibly Ed,
Here’s what I suggest. Have just the left breast enlarged, then invite some cutie to join you in your private jet, as you fly around Canada in port-side circles.
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Dear Abby Redux,
I’ve met the most wonderful man! He owns his own jet, he’s a kosher-keeping Canadian Jew, and as fat as I know he’s never been in the Federal Witness Protection program. The only problem is he has one really oversized breast. Do you think this is the man for me?
Signed,
Anita Goldcard

Dear Anita,
Embrace him. Lean a little to the right to compensate, but embrace him. When it’s time, I know where you can get a deal on a wedding dress.
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