- FBI Nabs Infamous Bonnie & Clyde & Bonnie
- Slumping Economy Drives Uptick In Legal Aliens Looking For Work
- Enterprising Locals Buy “Zeke’s Bank” For $5; Immediately Qualify For Billions In Federal Bailout
- Local “History of Tractors” Parade Fails to Meet Crowd Estimates
- New York Times Seeks Subscriber Boost, Cost Savings, With Half-Page Rural Edition
- Secret Service Recruiting Drive Hits New Lows
- Tourism Dept. Unveils Lincoln Birthplace Drive-By Tour; Tourists Claim Huge Time-Savings
- Posture Pals Interviews Going Well, Spokesman Says
- Pro-Life Group Pickets America’s Oldest Abortion Clinic
- Conspiracy Group Publishes Discovery: Pentagon Was Attacked By Rosie O’Donnell
- Conjoined Triplets Protest New Airline Seating Policy
- Entrepreneur Opens New Dating Service For Singles With Extremely Low Standards
- Blue Jeans Bandit Strikes Again; Family Posts Photo Of Missing Pants
- Clinton “Ozark White House” Memorial Slips In Most-Visited Survey
- Dogged “Parents Against Jaywalking” Group Lapses Into Coma Waiting For Broken Crossing Signal Repairs
- Bigamy On Increase Due To New Tax Loophole
- World’s Only Catatonic Newspaper Staff Publishes First Edition
- New Mountain Resort Caters To Really Pale White People