(a week when 45 turned 71)
~-~-~-~-~-~
For this week’s humor column, I don’t have to do much. I’m just going to point out some of the actual stories in the news, ’cause I don’t think I can make up anything funnier.
As a humor columnist, some weeks that’s about all I have to do – just point to stuff in the newspaper, then thank the audience, walk off stage and go back to my hotel. Mission accomplished. Cash the check.
Among other things, President Trump had a birthday this past week. Let’s start there, with one of the thank-you notes he sent to someone who gave him a birthday present. (Earth has access to all his personal communications, because everything the guy has ever said has now been leaked to the press, including some things he didn’t actually say.)
~-~-~-~-~-~
Dear Vladimir,
A great big hugely spasibo for the birthday present. I’m enjoying the White House very much. How you flipped those rust belt States, I’ll never know (wink wink), but I owe you one. By the way, Hillary sends her disregards.
Bigly regards,
President Trump
~-~-~-~-~-~
This year marks the fiftieth anniversary of the Beatles’ legendary, groundbreaking album, Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. That means it was ten years ago today that somebody first said the Beatles said “It was twenty years ago today that somebody first said the Beatles said “It was twenty years ago today that somebody first said the Beatles said “It was twenty years ago today…” ” ”
~-~-~-~-~-~
An allegedly funny celebrity named Kathy Griffin attempted to murder her own career by publishing a staged photo of herself holding what could have been President Trump’s severed head, if it had had more hair. Even without his head, Trump kept tweeting.
~-~-~-~-~-~
Fortunately, last week’s annual Congressional charity baseball game concluded without either of these potential disasters:
- Nobody got shot
- Nancy Pelosi didn’t show up dressed as a cheerleader
~-~-~-~-~-~
I’m a member of several online groups, populated by musicians. I love musicians for many reasons, one of them being their ability to keep a straight face while discussing instruments like the “Moog Sub Phatty.”
~-~-~-~-~-~
Dear CNN,
Thank you for thinking of me on my seventy-first birthday. Unfortunately, due to my amazingly busy schedule – and believe me, nobody has a busy schedule like me, I can tell you – I won’t be able to accept your offer of a prime-time bare-knuckles cage match with comedienne Kathy Griffin, who quite frankly has never really been that funny, believe me.
Hugely yours,
President Donald J. Trump
~-~-~-~-~-~
In Bill Cosby’s sexual assault trial, the jury failed to reach a verdict. The judge sent them back to deliberate again, and they failed again. Finally, the judge declared the whole debacle a mistrial. Cosby thought the judge said Miss Trial, and the comedian immediately tried to date it.
~-~-~-~-~-~
This week, thanks to my regular tonnage of spam, I learned what “moobs” are. It was an underwhelming educational experience.
~-~-~-~-~-~
Looks like former Fox News mega-star Bill O’Reilly has been keeping himself busy killing things. He’s already killed Kennedy, Reagan, Lincoln, Patton, Japan and Jesus, and we hear he may be gunning for a Roberta Flack tune.
Reviews are mixed for his latest addition to the “Killing” series, Killing a Perfectly Good Weekend.
~-~-~-~-~-~
And speaking of leaks … ex-FBI Director James Comey is either gonna wind up wearing a skirt in some convict’s prison fantasy, or else he’ll end up retiring enormously wealthy after a career playing Ed McMahon to Barack Obama’s Johnny Carson, starring Loretta Lynch as Doc Severinsen. All this ridiculous, endless “Depose that President!” palace intrigue is potentially destructive, possibly illegal, and definitely boring. It’s like outtakes from Game of Thrones, but with less lust.
~-~-~-~-~-~
Dear Congress,
While I appreciate a good scrap as much as the next guy, I really don’t think “imminent impeachment proceedings” is an appropriate birthday present for your Commander in Chief.
Don’t make me send Bill O’Reilly over there.
Not yours,
Donald