(Thanks to US diplomacy, we’ve now got Iran right where they want us.)
>> The Event: Last day (not really) of the US/Iran Nuclear Negotiations
>> The Location: Lausanne, Switzerland
>> The Players:
- the formerly United States of America
- the IAEA (International Atomic Energy Agency)
- representatives from a few other countries that were included despite being both non-Muslim and geographically irrelevant
- uninvited members of the media that snuck in anyway
- caterers, courtesy of (and vehemently denied by) indicted NJ Senator Bob Menendez
>> The Timeline: April Fool’s Day, 2015
>> The Transcript
State Department Underling: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the final day of our negotiations, the day when we will reach an historic deal!
French Diplomat: This is the third “last day” this year. How do we know today’s really the last day?
John Kerry: Josh?
Josh Earnest (White House Press Secretary): Obviously we’ll reach a historic deal today, because it says so on Obama’s official Legacy Calendar. There’s a big red circle around today, with a little smiley and a scribbled note that says “Whee! Another Nobel Peace Prize!”
State: That’s “an historic deal.”
Josh: Don’t be an wanker.
Iranian Head Negotiator: Okay. Well then, let’s get down to the brass taxes.
Iranian Head Mullah: Death to America!
State: That’s “brass tacks.”
Mitch McConnell: I’ve never understood what that means, “brass tacks.”
Voice of Obama: Hey! Who let the Senate in here?
John Kerry: Jen?
Jen Psaki (White House Communications Director): Security!
British Diplomat: If I might gently steer the conversation back to the topic at hand…
State: There are just a few niggling details left to work out. Let’s begin with the centrifuges.
Joe Biden: Centrifuge? Isn’t that some kind of bug?
Hillary: That’s a centi-pede, Joe. A centrifuge is like, um, it’s like an Easy-Bake Oven for cooking uranium pies.
State: As we all remember when we began this arbitration, the international community’s intent was to leave Iran with zero nuclear-weapon-capable centrifuges. However, thanks to the alleged diplomatic skills of Secretary Kerry, we’ve managed to negotiate that number from zero all the way down to 6,000.
Netanyahu: That’s outrageous!
Voice of Obama: Hey! Who let Bibi in here?
Iranian Head Negotiator: We’re not making nuclear bombs. Really. We promise.
Iranian Head Mullah: We kill you all!
State: Let’s move on to the next point: inspections. Iran agrees to allow the IAEA full access to all the nuclear facilities that Iran has helpfully marked on this little Google Maps printout.
Iranian Head Negotiator: Yeppers. And that’s all we have, too. Promise.
Iranian Head Mullah: We demand two weeks notice before any infidel inspections.
Netanyahu: That’s outrageous! This is an intolerable threat to my nation’s security!
State: Also, since Iran will not be hiding anything, the United States agrees to let Iran have a fully-functional, hidden nuclear facility built inside blast walls underneath a mountain.
German Diplomat: Good grief. I wonder if I can get the US State Department to negotiate my next mortgage.
Voice of Obama: No, gimme the six iron.
Josh: Uh, sir, you might want to mute your Blackberry.
Voice of Obama: Don’t have my Blackberry. Secret Service sold it to buy liquor.
Iranian Head Negotiator: What does it mean, Sikhs Iran?
State: That’s “six iron.”
Iranian Head Mullah: Death to American cell phone companies!
Hillary: No argument there.
Jen: Let’s move on to the sanctions.
Biden: Finally. I’m starving.
CNN: Huh? What the heck is that moron talking ab…
Russian Diplomat: Just ignore him. We do.
Josh: The White House has unilaterally decided to lift all sanctions against Iran.
Harry Reid: Hey! That’s our job!
Josh: Button it, Cyclops.
Jen: Calm down, everyone. Obviously, the President intends to keep Congress in the loop.
Voice of Obama: Good one, Jen.
Jen: Let’s keep in mind, though, that the US President reserves the right to reapply the sanctions, should Iran do anything out of line, like start World War Three or something.
Hillary: Now that the sanctions have been lifted, I wonder if Iran would care to donate, oh, eight or nine million dollars to “It’s Time for Hillary,” my completely generic totally non-political foundation?
Iranian Head Negotiator: You’ll take a post-rated check?
State: That’s “post-dated check.”
Iranian Head Mullah: Death to America!
Netanyahu: This is outrageous! Lifting all the sanctions against Iran will only shorten the journey to their goal, which is to become a regional hegemon.
Iranian Head Negotiator: That is not true.
Iranian Head Mullah: Yes it is.
Mitch McConnell: What is a hegemon, anyway?
Biden: It sounds Jamaican.
British Diplomat: I’m going home.
State: Well, that’s a wrap!
Voice of Obama: Well done, team. You handled that perfect.
State: That’s “perfect-ly.”
Iranian Head Negotiator: Who’s she calling “Lee?”
Iranian Head Mullah: Death to American English teachers and their grammar!
Biden: Who’s he calling “Grandma?”