Persia vs. the Peter Principle

(Thanks to US diplomacy, we’ve now got Iran right where they want us.)


>> The Event: Last day (not really) of the US/Iran Nuclear Negotiations

>> The Location: Lausanne, Switzerland

>> The Players:

  • Iran
  • the formerly United States of America
  • the IAEA (International Atomic Energy Agency)
  • representatives from a few other countries that were included despite being both non-Muslim and geographically irrelevant
  • uninvited members of the media that snuck in anyway
  • caterers, courtesy of (and vehemently denied by) indicted NJ Senator Bob Menendez

>> The Timeline: April Fool’s Day, 2015

>> The Transcript

State Department Underling: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the final day of our negotiations, the day when we will reach an historic deal!

French Diplomat: This is the third “last day” this year. How do we know today’s really the last day?

John Kerry: Josh?

Josh Earnest (White House Press Secretary): Obviously we’ll reach a historic deal today, because it says so on Obama’s official Legacy Calendar. There’s a big red circle around today, with a little smiley and a scribbled note that says “Whee! Another Nobel Peace Prize!”

State: That’s “an historic deal.”

Josh: Don’t be an wanker.

Iranian Head Negotiator: Okay. Well then, let’s get down to the brass taxes.

Iranian Head Mullah: Death to America!

State: That’s “brass tacks.”

Mitch McConnell: I’ve never understood what that means, “brass tacks.”

Voice of Obama: Hey! Who let the Senate in here?

John Kerry: Jen?

Jen Psaki (White House Communications Director): Security!

British Diplomat: If I might gently steer the conversation back to the topic at hand…

Kerry: Underling?

State: There are just a few niggling details left to work out. Let’s begin with the centrifuges.

Joe Biden: Centrifuge? Isn’t that some kind of bug?

Hillary: That’s a centi-pede, Joe. A centrifuge is like, um, it’s like an Easy-Bake Oven for cooking uranium pies.

Kerry: Underling?

State: As we all remember when we began this arbitration, the international community’s intent was to leave Iran with zero nuclear-weapon-capable centrifuges. However, thanks to the alleged diplomatic skills of Secretary Kerry, we’ve managed to negotiate that number from zero all the way down to 6,000.

Netanyahu: That’s outrageous!

Voice of Obama: Hey! Who let Bibi in here?

Jen: Security!

Iranian Head Negotiator: We’re not making nuclear bombs. Really. We promise.

Iranian Head Mullah: We kill you all!

Kerry: Underling?

State: Let’s move on to the next point: inspections. Iran agrees to allow the IAEA full access to all the nuclear facilities that Iran has helpfully marked on this little Google Maps printout.

Iranian Head Negotiator: Yeppers. And that’s all we have, too. Promise.

Iranian Head Mullah: We demand two weeks notice before any infidel inspections.

Netanyahu: That’s outrageous! This is an intolerable threat to my nation’s security!

Kerry: Jen?

Jen: Security!

Kerry: Underling?

State: Also, since Iran will not be hiding anything, the United States agrees to let Iran have a fully-functional, hidden nuclear facility built inside blast walls underneath a mountain.

German Diplomat: Good grief. I wonder if I can get the US State Department to negotiate my next mortgage.

Voice of Obama: No, gimme the six iron.

[extended silence]

Josh: Uh, sir, you might want to mute your Blackberry.

Voice of Obama: Don’t have my Blackberry. Secret Service sold it to buy liquor.

Iranian Head Negotiator: What does it mean, Sikhs Iran?

State: That’s “six iron.”

Iranian Head Mullah: Death to American cell phone companies!

Hillary: No argument there.

Kerry: Jen?

Jen: Let’s move on to the sanctions.

Biden: Finally. I’m starving.

CNN: Huh? What the heck is that moron talking ab…

Russian Diplomat: Just ignore him. We do.

Kerry: Josh?

Josh: The White House has unilaterally decided to lift all sanctions against Iran.

Harry Reid: Hey! That’s our job!

Josh: Button it, Cyclops.

Jen: Calm down, everyone. Obviously, the President intends to keep Congress in the loop.

Voice of Obama: Good one, Jen.

Jen: Let’s keep in mind, though, that the US President reserves the right to reapply the sanctions, should Iran do anything out of line, like start World War Three or something.

Hillary: Now that the sanctions have been lifted, I wonder if Iran would care to donate, oh, eight or nine million dollars to “It’s Time for Hillary,” my completely generic totally non-political foundation?

Iranian Head Negotiator: You’ll take a post-rated check?

State: That’s “post-dated check.”

Iranian Head Mullah: Death to America!

Netanyahu: This is outrageous! Lifting all the sanctions against Iran will only shorten the journey to their goal, which is to become a regional hegemon.

Iranian Head Negotiator: That is not true.

Iranian Head Mullah: Yes it is.

Mitch McConnell: What is a hegemon, anyway?

Biden: It sounds Jamaican.

[extended silence]

Jen: Security!

British Diplomat: I’m going home.

Kerry: Underling?

State: Well, that’s a wrap!

Voice of Obama: Well done, team. You handled that perfect.

State: That’s “perfect-ly.”

Iranian Head Negotiator: Who’s she calling “Lee?”

Iranian Head Mullah: Death to American English teachers and their grammar!

Biden: Who’s he calling “Grandma?”

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