Black Hole Friday

(Hope you have a Merry Layaway!)
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Time Travel.

Once upon a time (sorry), Einstein said it couldn’t be done. This year, thanks to Christmas advertising, capitalism told Einstein to get back on the bus.

They’ve done it — Marketing has altered the very fabric of time. The proof? Check out this subject line from an emailed ad:

BLACK FRIDAY WEEK BEGINS MONDAY!!!

Black Friday Week.

Every year, a little earlier. A little longer. A little insultinger.

Long, long ago in America, Thanksgiving was traditionally held on the fourth Thursday in November, because after several Boston winters, most Pilgrims could only depend on four functioning fingers. Later, after the Pilgrims invented ad agencies, and adultery, “Black Friday” habitually came to mean the first Friday following Thanksgiving. (Sure, the Pilgrims were poor, but they still knew a Friday when they saw one.)

Black Friday. In other words, the day after Thanksgiving. The Friday following the Thursday holiday. Just the Friday.

Not anymore.

See, Black Friday signifies the official onset of the Christmas shopping season, a joyous time when Americans everywhere celebrate the birth of Jesus by cursing in parking lots and trying to out-rude sales clerks at the mall. And to kick off the season of spending, retailers everywhere tried to gin up seasonal shopping mania by announcing huge discounts on … Black Friday.

But not anymore. For many dollar-blinded product hawkers, November’s Black Friday now begins a bit early. Like, say, March.

It’s particularly irritating this year, because November selfishly managed to line up five Thursdays, so there’s effectively an extra week to shop and spend.

Like most psychoses, the syndrome began slowly. At first, marketers were careful to respect the physical universe by easing in your TV with the tease “Early Black Friday Prices.” Once they realized nobody was going to arrest them for Felony Greed, they began upping the ante with “Pre-Black Friday Sale.” And now they’ve christened some calendar-agnostic timespan called Black Friday Week.

Wait for it — coming soon: “BLACK FRIDAY YEAR BEGINS NOW!”

And so, another festive season has formally begun, replete with stories of trampled shoppers at Wal-Mart’s Black Friday Sale (midnight, June 1st) and knife fights over the last remaining flat screen at Best Buy. Film at eleven.

Of course, there was still plenty of “normal” weird stuff going on around the country…

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President Trump awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to seven citizens. Technically, it was just one person, but they did vote seven times in Broward County.

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A company I know had to post an internal memo demanding that no seats, other than toilets, would be tolerated in the public bathrooms. What, was somebody installing bleachers?

Only in America could “go wee wee” become a spectator sport. What next, concessions?

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CNN’s rabid hair helmet, Jim Acosta, had his White House press credentials temporarily revoked after the feral fop tried to perform a hostile takeover on the term “question.” As Acosta was being escorted out, the White House staff presented him with a hoodie bearing a scarlet “A.”

The “A” stood for something else.

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Pizza Hut started blasting me with emails about $5 pizza deals. But only after I’d completely designed a delivery pizza online did they bother to point out that, to qualify for the $5 pie, there was a $20 minimum.

See, this is how normal citizens can end up in prison.

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One evening last week, I listened to several versions of a lovely French tune titled “La Belle Dame Sans Regrets.”

Over here, that translates loosely as “Bitch Could Care Less.”

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President Trump awarded a Presidential Medal of Freedom to Babe Ruth. Whew. Talk about being late for a press conference.

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One evening last week, I cued up a nice cover of Hillary’s theme song, “Blame It On My Youth,” which insiders state will likely be deployed during her regularly-scheduled presidential campaigns beginning in 2028.

Y’know, these 78-RPM records hold up pretty well.

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During the mid-term elections, South Florida voting precincts had some “issues,” which surprised everybody, except for everybody. In particular, Broward county (again) and Palm Beach county (again) kept turning up box after box of uncounted ballots in non-votey places like school closets, East European abbeys, and Saturn.

In an unexplained mathematical anomaly, all the uncounted ballots were for Dr. Seuss. Math experts point out that the chances of that happening are about as likely as Hillary running for President (again).

Okay, bad example.

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Headline: MAN AVOIDS LIFE IN PRISON THANKS TO SELFIE

I don’t know the details. Maybe the selfish selfie turned state’s evidence.

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The politically-correct drama department at a college in Michigan has canceled their production of “The Vagina Monologues” because not all women have one.

That’s a way better excuse than, “Sorry, not tonight. I have a headache.”

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President Trump awarded a Presidential Medal of Freedom to Elvis. Well, technically, he presented the award to an Arkansas diner’s waffle that looks like Elvis, but it’s the thought that counts.

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“Black Friday Week.”

Stop it. Please, just stop it.

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