(Vote for me! Twice!)
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Okay, it’s over. Now — let’s begin again.

In case you were wondering what all those loud, rude noises were about over the past several weeks, America has just finished another mid-term election.

Well … let me rephrase that: we’ve finished the voting part. The vote counting part could go on for several more decades.

There’s a reason. Everybody everywhere is lying.

The 2018 mid-term election was the most critical election of our lifetime. We know that, because we were told that, about ten thousand times a day by an army of political analysts. (If you’re wondering what exactly is a “political analyst,” just focus on the first two syllables of analyst, and you’ve pretty much got it covered.)

Furthermore, we also know that this election was the most critical election of our lifetime because political analysts have been telling us that the current election is the most critical election of our lifetime every two years, roughly, since Al Gore invented America in 1492. (It was a Thursday, just two days after he’d invented fire, democracy, and voting.)

Historically, mid-term elections are about as exciting as Geraldo Rivera covering himself. Again. Usually, not many voters care enough to put on pants and go vote, though I understand there’s a push among California liberals to make pants optional for voting, along with IDs and IQs. But this year, everybody everywhere was fired up because the political analysts told us that the mid-term election was a “referendum” on President Donald Trump, the current title-holder of “Best and Worst President Ever and Never.”

Shortly after polls closed in Texas, a Senate candidate named Beto O’Rourke (no, really) conceded to Ted Cruz, after voters gave up trying to pronounce ‘Beto.’ (Ted Cruz is a Senator who is loved and hated by President Trump, whom Senator Cruz loves and hates.) Later that night, in Florida, Senator Bill Nelson conceded to his opponent, Florida Governor Rick Scott, and in a spirit of true bipartisanship called candidate Scott a “big stupid.”

Florida. Ah, Florida. Land of Walt, land of chad. You remember Florida: at the turn of the century, they repeatedly tried to give us President Al Gore by having unelected bored people stare at holes in cards, as prescribed in England’s Magna Carta in 1215 AD, the year Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg graduated from law school.

Initially, in the Florida gubernatorial race, conservative candidate Ron DeSantis spanked liberal candidate Andrew Gillum, and guber-wannabee Gillum conceded the race. But later that night, he, um, unconceded. Not to be outdone, Senator Nelson demanded a recount, because … you know … it’s Florida.

Ah, Florida. Too small to be a country, too big to be an insane asylum.

This just in: at a more pedestrian political level, there will also be a recount this election year in the race for Florida’s agriculture commissioner. This job is more important than you might think, especially in South Florida, because cocaine and marijuana are, horticulturally speaking, crops.

Breaking news: Florida’s Broward County has “found” 46,000 votes, two days after voting. In a mind-blowing coincidence, they were all votes for Democrat candidates. What are the odds?

But let’s not solely hold Florida’s miscounted feet to the fire too soon. Plenty of our other formerly united United States appear to have some basic math issues. In a Georgia precinct, in which there are 276 registered voters, 670 ballots were cast. Apparently, one of those circus clown cars drove up to the curb and idled as big-shoed, nose-honking voters kept exiting, and exiting, and exiting.

Here are some other 2018 mid-term election day anomalies:

• Over 11 million people live in Ohio, and 14 million of them voted.
• Nearly 21 million people live in Florida, but many can’t vote because they don’t have opposable thumbs (see Disney World and Palm Beach County)
• Some census workers think California has almost 40 million residents, but it’s hard to get a confirmed headcount because they’re always driving. Californians drive everywhere. Even to their cars.
• Nearly twelve people live in Delaware, but in elections they lean Democrat, so that’s another 40 million votes, not counting dead people.
• And speaking of dead people, there are still voters in Ohio who are campaigning for Millard Fillmore, who became President after Zachary Taylor changed his name to Beto.