Kneelers, Steelers, and Squealers

(New toys, large boys, big noise)


Some weeks, I don’t have to actually write a humor column. Some weeks, I can just look around at events in the news and then, when I quit giggling, file a report.

This has been one of those weeks.


Late-night talk-show host Jimmy Kimmel, who is allegedly funny, had to retract several derogatory comments about Congressional attempts to overhaul healthcare, after reporters discovered that Kimmel was dating NY Senator Chuck Schumer.

For his birthday, somebody in North Korea apparently bought Kim Jong-un a nuclear bomb, and a thesaurus. Kim immediately ordered a giant fuse for the bomb and then thumbed through the thesaurus, ultimately calling President Trump a dotard. When polled, 80% of Pentagon officials expressed concern about the bomb, and 60% of Americans thought a dotard was some kind of biscuit.

Apple released a new version of the Apple Watch, the “wearable tech” device that focuses on health and fitness. The Series 3 version has several innovative technologies, like the cloud-based colonoscopy app and the iCatheter. The same day, Apple also announced it was taking pre-orders for the all-new iPhone 8, the all-new iPhone 8s, the not-yet-invented iPhone MMXVIII, and the amazing iPhone X, the first-ever Apple product to require private mortgage insurance.

Bill Clinton, former United States President, cigar aficionado, and big fan of DC-area dry cleaners, has co-written a book. This is an amazing accomplishment for a man who doesn’t even know what the verb “is” is.

This just in: yesterday evening, according to unnamed sources, President Trump said something that did not ignite controversy.

Toys ‘R’ Us claimed that it was forced to file for bankruptcy because toy vendors worried about reports of an impending bankruptcy had begun to demand cash payments before they would ship. Oh, I see. They filed for bankruptcy because vendors were afraid they were going to file for bankruptcy. Got it.

A new “protest” trend has developed among professional athletes. Pro football players, who have any sort of grievance against anything anywhere that they don’t like, have decided to kneel during the pre-game playing of the National Anthem. In a show of solidarity, eleven Democrat Senators agreed to suit up and play an exhibition game against the Oakland Raiders.
There were no survivors.

Iran, that sandbox where sanity goes to die, has test-launched a ballistic missile, despite a crackerjack bit of diplomacy led by John Kerry, who married a jar of Heinz 57 steak sauce, and … wait for it … James Taylor. You know, because when I think “stern, no-nonsense international negotiation skills,” I think “You’ve Got a Friend.”

Speaking of professional sports, President Trump invited the NBA championship team to visit the White House, and some of the basketball players said they wouldn’t go to the Trump White House, so President Trump uninvited them, and then the players who said they wouldn’t visit in the first place got offended for not being allowed to visit.
Yeah, I know.

In the aftermath of the 28th major hurricane to make landfall in the United States this week, officials in Florida warned residents to avoid drinking contaminated water, due to the possible presence of a brain-eating bacteria. Unfortunately, the bacteria first targeted voters in Palm Beach County, and the luckless microbes all starved to death.
Surely, America, you saw that joke coming from miles away.

Thanks to madcap trend-setters like California and Colorado, recreational marijuana is making a comeback, although it’s not as much fun, now that it’s legal. Coincidentally…or maybe not…music albums are also making a comeback, which is good news for potheads everywhere. Seriously – you ever tried to roll a joint on an MP3?

President Trump’s wife was photographed wearing heels as she was leaving the White House. Immediately, a Federal investigation was launched by the entire Democrat caucus, Jimmy Kimmel, and Hillary’s next election campaign, tentatively nicknamed the “For the Love of Pete, Would You Please Let Me Be President Already” tour. Interestingly, the bitter little grump has already started blaming people for her loss in 2020.
And 2024.
And 2028-2036.

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