Hillary & the Poultry Apocalypse

(It takes a village…idiot.)


Look, America. Look. Already, there’s another one. Hillary “The People’s Uterus” Clinton has released yet another biography.

That’s right. In case you missed the press releases from the New York Times, and the near-orgasmic excitement from MSNBC and the cast of “The View,” America’s favorite political pantsuit has unleashed a 512-page manifeminesto proving, yet again, that everybody in the Milky Way knows why Hillary lost the election…except Hillary.

Also, in an uncanny coincidence, September also happens to be National Chicken Month. Oh, and by the way…next Thursday, just so you know, the world will be ending.

So even if Hillary had become President, she’d still have something to whine about. I can hear it already:

“It’s just not fair. IT WAS MY TURN. Forty-four Presidents had their chance, without the world suddenly ending, before their second term. Obviously, the Universe is a man.”

I would say “she’s back,” but she can’t be back because, technically speaking, to be “back,” you first have to go away.

And she won’t go away.

The “end of the world” whimper, of course, refers to Nibiru, a huge galactic something-or-other that’s going to destroy our planet on 23 September, according to some highly qualified numerologists (graduates of Numerology University, Class of ’93, summa cum hummus). But don’t sell your house just yet…Nibiru has been prophesied to anti-Earth Earth every year since 1995. So it’s consistently very late, as if Nibiru was Barack Obama scheduling a press conference.

And speaking of shameless self-marketing, National Chicken Month was dreamed up in 1995, too, the same year that Nibiru didn’t first appear. (This also happened to be during the administration of the first President Clinton, a cosmic coincidence that is admittedly a little spooky). National Chicken Month was organized as an effort by America’s collective chicken producers to, well, sell more collective chicken. This whole retail chicken push is sponsored by the National Chicken Council (well, of course there is), an organization that began in 1954 as the National Broiler Council, until some thin-skinned broilers at Berkeley got offended and demanded they change their name.

According to EatChicken.com (well, of course there is), chicken is the most versatile, tasty protein choice you can make, unless you’re Hannibal Lector. The website also offers an online resource that they refer to as “Unofficial Recipes.” I don’t think I want to know.

And speaking of reliable resources, the New York Times’ review of Shrillary’s new anybody-but-mea-culpa was…well, I think the word I want to employ here is “gushing” – and I quote:

“…candid…blackly funny…it is a score-settling jubilee…What Happened is not one book, but many.”

Hillary’s one book is not one book. It’s many books. I guess it all depends on what the meaning of the word “one” is, eh, Bill?

Other reviews of Hillary’s latest pity-party-in-print (for instance, some of the 950+ reviews on parade at Amazon.com) were less, um, prostitutional. Witness:

  • This belongs in the ‘fiction’ section.
  • A litany of excuses
  • This is the first book to explain the entire plot on the cover.
  • A book only a therapist could love
  • It was MY turn, the campaign was absolutely impeccable without any flaws whatsoever, and it was everyone else’s fault. This pretty much sums up the book.
  • Exactly as bad as you thought it would be, except worse
  • Got the audio book, immediately regretted it. My dachshund is still hiding.

And speaking of intellectual pain, let’s cycle back round to the history of Nibiru; you know, since it’s finally, no really this time, going to utterly eliminate Earth next week, without even waiting on global warming. According to the internet, the Nibiru planet-killer cataclysm was first put forward by a woman named Nancy, who says she’s been receiving messages from extraterrestrials in the Zeta Reticuli star system ever since they installed an implant in her brain. (Allegedly, on clear nights, she can also pick up HBO.)

Nancy claims that Nibiru is roughly four times the size of Earth, making the mystery planet about the same size as Hillary’s next book…and about as accurate.

Nancy’s impeccable Zeta-based credentials are further solidified by backing from the Pana Wave Laboratory, a Japanese doomsday cult that protects itself from electromagnetic attacks by blocking off local roads and rivers with white cloth. As one might.

So. That’s the good news, and the bad news, I guess. Next week, Earth’s global village will be spared a Hillary presidency; however, to avoid that catastrophe, all of mankind will be destroyed by Hillary’s next book.

So get your affairs in order. And be sure to celebrate the last-ever National Chicken Month. Get out there, Earthling, fire up the grill, and have some final chicken.

Here’s a closing thought: in 1968, according to urban legend, the iconoclastic artiste Andy Warhol commented that “in the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes.”

I wonder if Andy knew his prediction would include poultry.

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