(Facts? Ain’t nobody got time for that.)
Good evening, America, and welcome to All Eyes on the Donald here on MSNBCNN, our 24-hour-a-day coverage of the criminal activities of the current US President, who we have decided is insane. I’m your host, Rosencrantz N. Guildenstern, and thanks for tuning in.
Okay, let’s get started. Not-My-President Donald Trump should be impeached for treason. We’ll be right back after this commercial break.
<30-second campaign ad by the “Hillary for President in 2020” fundraising committee>
Welcome back. As I’m sure you know by now, that criminal Donald Trump’s son, Criminal Jr., has apparently spoken to Russians. We’ll give you a minute to let that sink in. And now, since it’s one minute past the top of the hour, we’ll renew our demands that President Trump be impeached for treason.
Next, according to at least one extremely trustworthy source that we won’t name, the United States Golf Association, the USGA, has allegedly decided to hold the U.S. Women’s Open at one of President Trump’s golf courses – simply because it’s an excellent golf course. Well, yes it’s true that the USGA has done this before, but that doesn’t really support our narrative of evil, does it?
This week, O.J. Simpson is finally getting a parole hearing, so that he can maybe get out of prison in time to write another book and get in on the shelves for the Christmas Shopping Seas … uh, um … I mean, in time for the Winter Solstice shopping season. Here at MSNBCNN, we won’t conjecture about his parole chances, because we don’t believe in allegations, speculations, and unconfirmed stories. But we do think it bodes well for The Juice that the parole board all showed up holding very tiny gloves.
Let’s just pray … uh, um … I mean, hope that Donald Trump doesn’t try to get any Russians involved in the parole hearing.
Folks, we’ll be right back.
<60-secnd commercial for comedienne Kathy Griffin’s tasteful new photo collection, “Heads of State”>
Taking a quick look at today’s weather, we see some rain in the Northeast, we see it’s still hot in the Southwest, and we note that Donald Trump should still be impeached for treason.
And speaking of weather: in news from the science world, a great huge iceberg has separated from all that other ice in Antarctica, a GOP-backed globe-killing catastrophe that has never happened before in the history of water. Of course, this Old Testament-scale disaster would’ve never happened if Donald Trump had let President Barack Hussein Obama build more windmills.
Of course, there are some doubters in the Republican Party who still claim that climate change has been going on for eons, and that Donald Trump could hardly be blamed for the Ice Age. Au contraire! Thanks to the Hard Science department here at MSNBCNN, we can now prove, or at least claim, that the Ice Age was in fact caused by one of Donald Trump’s prehistoric ancestors, Og Trump.
In a related true story, as far as you know, our favorite global-climate-warming-and-cooling-change champion, Al Gore, is finally back in the news. As you’ve probably heard, Al is recovering from some corrective surgery, after close friends noticed that Al almost smiled one Wednesday evening. Fortunately, his doctors were able to act quickly and removed any remaining traces of a sense of humor. The former Vice-and-nearly President is now rightly comparing climate change to slavery, an American abomination that was also invented by Donald Trump.
Stay tuned, folks. We’ll be right back after this word from our sponsors.
<2-minute commercial spot for Al Gore’s upcoming, up-tempo holiday album, “Headin’ for Armageddon”>
Welcome back, approximately half of America. In case you missed it, yesterday was an important day for Kim Jong-un and the extremely well-behaved citizens of North Korea, who are blissfully unencumbered by useless Western trinkets like light bulbs, and food. Yes, this week, North Koreans are remembering the death of the country’s first leader, Kim Novak.
Meanwhile, in Europe, Donald Trump attended the G20 summit, where he more than likely spoke to Russians and probably tripped some Vatican nuns. Sources say Trump talked to Vladimir Putin about Syria for a half-hour. How dare Trump spend so little time with such an important world leader! Later, Trump’s scheduled half-hour with the President of China turned into a three hour session. How dare Trump spend so much time with such an important world leader!
Well, it looks like we’re out of time. As always, thanks for joining us here at MSNBCNN, the network that realizes you’re really, really busy out there, so we’ll just tell you what to think. See you next time!
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Impeach Donald J, yea, impeach him for treason
That’s what we say and we don’t need a reason
<repeat until 2020>