Worst Practices

(Being broke is fun, except for that whole “food” thing)

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I have to admit, I’m still trying to understand this whole “job” thing. As of late Friday, I’ve worked for a whole week – again – even though I just worked last week.

And I’ll bet they’re expecting me to show up again next week, too. Animals.

One of the more irritating elements of a job is that you’re given a list of things to do…and every one of them has to be done first…but then the same people who assign you those tasks constantly interrupt you to insist you attend “personal growth” meetings, or “workforce bonding” events, like the mandatory Monthly Town Hall Meeting, or the ‘Workplace Best Practices’ Seminar, or the ever popular Dress Like Your Favorite Indicted Politician Day (dress code still enforced).

So for those of you who, like me, have to survive having a job, here’s a handy service that’s harder to find: a list of things that will quickly get you despised at your job, if not fired outright. (in case you’ve had enough and are pining for either)

Workplace Worst Practices

  • Don’t bother backing up your important files. They’ll be fine.
  • Interrupt. Interrupt often. Interrupt anyone, anywhere. There are only so many hours in the day.
  • In all your email communications, be sure to use lots of exclamation points.
  • Always assume that everyone thinks you’re funny.
  • Every time you get an email, be sure to reply to everybody on the list (Reply All), and the more times you reply, the better.
  • If you notice someone coming in the building just after you, don’t hold the elevator for them. Stairwells are nearby, and they could use the exercise.
  • Always show up late for meetings, especially if you’re the one who scheduled the meeting.
  • Speaking of elevators, be sure to douse yourself with about seven bottles of cheap perfume before getting on a crowded elevator.
  • In the corporate cafeteria, help yourself to whatever food is in the refrigerator. This is what “being a team” is all about.
  • When you plan to be in the men’s room for a time, be sure to take some food into the stall with you. For those in adjacent stalls, nothing helps to pleasantly pass the time like a few more echoing sound effects. Yogurt, for one example, makes an interesting statement.
  • Always park in at least two designated parking spaces. After all, you worked hard for that Kia.
  • If you work for a woman, a good nickname to call her is “Toots.” Kind of breaks the ice a little bit. If she’s “plus-sized,” a nice compliment that she’ll appreciate is, “You know, you don’t sweat much for a fat chick.”
  • If you work for a guy, you can nickname him whatever you want…unless they’re short. Never tell a short guy the truth. If circumstances demand that you must tell your boss that he’s short, then tell him his hands are unusually large for a short guy. No need to comment on how much he sweats.
  • If your company requires you to carry an access badge to get in the building, be sure to leave it at home at least three times a week. The maintenance department will appreciate the opportunity to stop what they’re doing and assist you.
  • Very few things are more exciting to your co-workers than to hear all the details about your recent medical procedure. Make sure you don’t deny them any extremely personal details, particularly details that include the terms bowel, or inflamed, or leakage.
  • Don’t hesitate to leave your computer browser logged in to facebook, Twitter, and various porn sites. Management expects you to stay in touch with current culture.
  • If you make more money than your co-worker, be sure to let them know how much you make. You’ll be helping motivate them to work harder, and everybody wins.
  • NEVER TURN OFF THE ‘CAPS LOCK’ FUNCTION ON YOUR KEYBOARD. YOUR CO-WORKERS WILL APPRECIATE YOUR ENTHUSIASM.
  • If you write software. don’t ever document the software you’ve written. Hey, if it was hard to write, it ought to be hard to read.
  • Be sure to dare the world to try and hack your hack-proof website.
  • If you’re in management and have to let someone go, be sure to fire them on a Friday. Not only does this allow you to have squeezed another whole week of unexpected work out of them, but it gives them the entire weekend to explain things to their family.

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