(I think I think, therefore I think I am)


Oops. It’s that time again. Spring is almost over, and I’ve fallen behind on my housekeeping…not to mention my headkeeping. I’m late, again, for spring-cleaning my skull. I need to take out the garbage…in my head.

Is cleaning out my head culturally significant? Does it matter to society at large? Well, who am I to say. But last year, I never got around to it, and look who got elected President.

As I’ve mentioned before, it’s just something I have to do from time to time. It’s therapeutic, it’s a victimless crime (except for anybody reading this), and most importantly, it allows me to produce an entire column with no consistent theme, no conscious effort, and no cogent story line whatsoever. It’s a lot like a confession from the Nixon administration, but without all the jail time.

So, in no order at all, here’s my head.


I bought a pre-heated oven. It’s quite a time-saver, but now I weigh over 700 pounds.

I once visited a website that wanted me to create a logout account.

Everybody loves a play on words. Can you make a work on words?

I went to a dressy restaurant and, in the parking lot, I straightened the knot on my tie. But I misspelled it, “not.”
The restaurant wouldn’t let me in.

An Air Force Academy cadet claims to have created a bulletproof substance.¬†Turns out it’s a Christmas fruitcake.

Sign outside a bar in my neighborhood:
You know, because it’s never too early to get your dysfunction on.

I once dated a woman who had multiple personalities, but never at the same time. The relationship ended when she caught her and me cheating on her.

Right now, marijuana stocks are going through the roof. Or not. I can’t remember.

Alleged comedienne Kathy Griffin aired a photo of herself holding President Trump’s alleged head. The White House voiced strong disapproval. Trump’s hair could not be reached for comment.

I wonder what an eitherodontist would do to your mouth?

Bill Clinton has now been accused of assaulting so many women that he had to change his public denial to “Well, that depends on what the meaning of the word ‘are’ are.”

Seriously. How many ways to skin a cat do you really need?

In a surprising new play for niche votes, Hillary “The People’s Uterus” Clinton is now blaming her failed run for President on global warming.

Why can’t a person be outconsistent?

Bill Maher has publicly apologized for using a racial slur. Apparently, the HBO star callously called someone a “white conservative.”

Alleged comedienne Kathy Griffin is now whining that Donald Trump’s family has destroyed her alleged comedy career, now that she, you know, cut off his head and stuff.

Before there was email, was there dmail?

According to a recent poll, 63% of Americans think FBI Director James Comey should not have been fired.
Another 22% said they had no opinion, but they’d always enjoyed visits to Brooklyn’s Comey Island.
And 14% of those polled spelled “Comey” with a K.

Can a person be an outfidel?

I visited a new concept store today — it’s a grocery for single guys.¬†They still have specials, like “BUY 1 GET 3 FREE.” But here’s the new touch: next to the specials, they have a handy trashcan so you can go ahead and toss out the 3 you’ll never get to before the expiration date.

What would happen if NFL quarterback Tom Brady threw an outerception?

According to the extremely vocal “either-global-warming-or-global-cooling-is-definitely-coming” experts — who seem to be basing their “science” on the current rate of Kool Whip-spray-can gas sniffing by Rust Belt rednecks — Earth’s temperature will rise by 0.02% of one degree by the year 2100. It will be on a Thursday.
These guys expect us to believe they know what the temperature will be a hundred years from now; meanwhile, Willard Scott can’t competently predict the weather for this weekend.

I wonder if there are any animals with a post-hensile tail?

Subject line from this week’s onslaught of spam: MEET SINGLES PARENTS!
Why would I want to meet somebody’s parents?

What do you call a business woman who’s addicted to senseless jargon? An acronymphomaniac.

I almost bought something from a store. The sales clerk gave me a ceipt. Later, I went back and actually bought it, and they gave me a receipt.

All this liberal media hysteria about the Paris Accords has even lured John “Lurch” Kerry out his semi-retirement, where he’s been spending his time running from fights, doing his wife’s laundry, and editing US History schoolbooks so that songwriter-cum-diplomat James Taylor regains his rightful position as the liberator of Europe.

I kept some sour cream in my fridge until after its expiration date. It went good.

The biggest difference between sex and photography is the selfie. That’s all I’m saying.

According to an unconfirmed report, Caitlyn nee Bruce Jenner and Chelsea nee Bradley Manning are dating. Not dating each other, of course … that would be weird.

Once, at a hardware store, I bought two refillable lighters. My parents made me repeat the third grade.

Alleged comedienne Kathy Griffin has retained a law firm to sue Donald Trump, most of his family, and half of his hair. (At that point, she ran out of money.)

I went to a Five Guys burger joint for lunch. Only four guys spoke to me. I retained Kathy Griffin’s law firm.

A guy I know is a concrastinator. He does everything early.

Subject line from this week’s onslaught of spam: HOW TO ATTRACT THE PERFECT GUY
Why would I want to hang out with the perfect guy? Who needs that kind of pressure?

According to a new Gallup poll I read in the paper, US moral values have slid to a seven-year low. On the next page was an article about a guy who was dating his ex-husband’s gender-transitioning priest.

Last night on Netflix, I watched a John Wayne eastern. All the bad guys worked for Fox News.

I wrote a pre-dated check. I think. We’ll see.

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