(On 45 at 1600 in 2017)


Hey, watch this.

“Donald Trump.”

Aaaaand…boom. About half of the people settling in to read this week’s humor column just left the room. If somebody could figure out how to bottle President Trump, we could market it as Democrat repellant. Maybe call it Lib-B-Gon.

But despite the ongoing epidemic that some have come to call Trump Derangement Syndrome, the man has now been President of the United States for one hundred days. (Democrat translation: Donald Trump has now been not my President for one hundred days.)

During his first 100 days, President Trump’s record has either been brilliantly stellar (Fox News) or starkly dismal (CNN). He’s either appointed or ramrodded a Supreme Court Justice who is either a traditionalist icon or an atavistic Igor. He has shepherded either twenty-eight, or zero, legislative bills through Congress. Either he’s making great headway on tax reform, job recovery, and national security, or else he’s slathering leprosy-soaked kerosene rags on the displaced children of under-insured, non-documented refugee nuns who were born with their spleens attached to their left kneecaps. Which is George Bush’s fault.

The completely baseless “First 100 Days” measurement of a Presidential administration’s success was created by George Washington’s ad agency (Potomac Promotions) in an effort to boost George’s flagging online dating profile, which had really tanked after word got out about his teeth. But then the 100 Days thing hunkered down in American politics and never went away, much like politicians, and greed, which is redundant.

Admittedly, the “First 100 Days” accomplishments of America’s original Commander in Chief were relatively modest. President Washington’s achievements included these:

  • he became the country’s first President
  • he founded North America’s first retail chain offering both furniture and dentures
  • he fought off the sexual advances of both Betsy Ross and Ben Franklin

Over America’s next 240-odd years, the First 100 Days burden has been kinder to some Presidents than to others. For example:

  • America’s second First 100 Days – for America’s second President, John Adams – were less than spectacular, perhaps because POTUS II had normal teeth. However, things perked up in and around the Adams household when he changed his name to Samuel Adams and bought a bar. (Ye Olde Hooters)
  • Ultimately, President #2 did manage to leave his mark on history after his son (John Quincy “Budweiser” Adams) became President nearly 30 years later. Unfortunately, President Q’s term was tainted by accusations of winning the White House through corruption…another proud American political tradition.
  • The only real accomplishment of President Thomas Jefferson, despite everyone’s familiarity with his name, was getting his face put on the nickel. But even that didn’t happen until 1938, when Jefferson’s profile replaced that of a rather obscure American political figure, President Buffalo.
  • Abraham Lincoln got nothing done in his first 100 days, because according to the alternative lifestyle agenda police, Abe was gay, too, and he couldn’t decide on a hat.
  • During his first 100 days, Theodore Roosevelt snuck up on Mount Rushmore, created the TED Talks series, and constructed the Panama hat.
  • In 1911, plus-sized President William Howard Taft got stuck in a bathtub, according to White House historians and a chatty sales rep from Delta Faucets. Unfortunately, while “Big Bill” was busy soaping up, Congress managed to pass the 16th Amendment, which created the income tax. This is why I no longer bathe.
  • FDR (Federal Dependency Roosevelt) was the only US President to have four First 100 Days, causing Congress to pass a law exempting themselves from the 16th Amendment. FDR is perhaps best known for his cryptic wartime message, “We have nothing to fear but ferret self.”
  • During his first 100 days, President Kennedy managed to fund the Peace Corps, the Bay of Pigs, and Marilyn Monroe. Sadly, though, the charismatic President’s life was ruined when he ended up in a Stephen King novel.
  • Initially, Richard Nixon had a hundred days, but somehow they got erased. After Nixon was fired, Gerald Ford was sworn in as America’s 38th President, but nobody remembered to tell him. And remember – the only reason Ford was Vice President was because Nixon’s first VP had resigned.
  • And then…well…after a few years of Ford, even Jimmy Carter looked good. Enough said.
  • Interestingly, Presidential historians remember Bill Clinton’s first 100 days for what didn’t happen – three whole months of a Clinton administration, with no scandals, no molestations, no impeachments, no furniture missing from the White House.
  • For his part, President George W. Bush spent his first 100 days trying to convince South Florida that he was President George W. Bush.
  • President Trump’s predecessor, Barack “Ferret Self” Obama, borrowed his first 100 days from China, at about two contillion percent interest. He then became the first human being in history to win a Nobel Prize merely for stuff he said he planned to do.

But, if nothing else, at least our new President is again reminding the world which country wields Teddy Roosevelt’s “big stick” diplomacy. (literal translation: Keep it up, rogue nation, and I’ll carpet-bomb you with President Taft.)

We can only hope the message sinks in on President North Korea’s diminutive leader, Kim Kong Young’un (literal translation: Chip). About every three days, according to US intelligence, North Korea successfully fails to successfully launch another test rocket. The last one made it about 20 miles before failing. Heck, they’d get better mileage if they just strapped a bomb on a Prius.

So, with that kind of firepower and range, all Kim Kong has to do now is figure out how to get America to float across the Pacific and dock about 15 minutes off the Korean coast.

And don’t think Congress won’t consider it. After all, we’re heading into another election year.

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