(Hey, y’all, watch this!)
Not long ago, somewhere in Georgia, a guy (of course it was a guy) got really, really bored and killed his lawnmower.
Okay you’re right – claiming the guy was bored is an assumption on my part – but it makes the facts in this weird news story easier to swallow.
Facts like these:
- Understand: the guy didn’t just unload a few rounds into his Snapper in a blind moment of mowed rage. No, first he intentionally packed the lawnmower with explosives. (see bored)
- The explosive the guy used can easily be bought at gun shops, pawn shops, sports stores, even some home & garden franchises. (check Aisle 6: Bird Feeders, Rakes, Exploding Ordnance)
- One such brand of retail explosives uses this catchy marketing slogan: “Mix It. Shake It. Shoot It.” (be sure you don’t get the steps out of order)
- This explosives in this category, also referred to as “binary rifle targets,” are often used by gun owners during target practice. (because the only thing more fun than shooting stuff is shooting stuff that blows up)
- Normally, a dab of the explosive is swabbed over the target, so things get blown up a little bit when the shooter hits the target. (this keeps the shooter from having to walk all the way down to the target to see if he hit anything, curse a little under his breath, and then walk all the way back)
- But this guy didn’t dab. He packed the defenseless lawnmower with three pounds of binary home & garden destruction.
- Some people want to let Hillary Clinton back in the White House, even though she still hasn’t returned the stuff she stole the last time she was there. (this has absolutely nothing to do with the lawnmower murder mystery, but it’s still worth pointing out)
- The explosive’s instructions clearly recommend that the shooter position himself at least 100 yards from the target before firing. But Lawnmower Man opened fire on his hapless implement from less than 25 yards away.
- The man survived, but he now owns several unnecessary left shoes.
- The identity of the lawnmower has not been released, pending notification of its next of kin. But the victim was a good guy who certainly didn’t deserve to go out that way, according to one of its neighbors, a pair of hedge clippers both named Bob.
- After the incident, a local journalist actually made this comment out loud: “It was not clear why the man shot a lawnmower filled with an explosive.” (see bored)
- As it turns out, these explosives are legal and available to the public because they don’t meet the FBI’s definition of an explosive. (apparently, the stuff explodes, but it doesn’t explode enough, or something)
- The non-explosive explosive’s manufacturers defend their product because it’s sold in an inert “binary” form. (you have to mix the two separate chemicals together in order to make it, um, ert)
- And so, argues the manufacturer’s marketing department, since you have to combine the chemicals first, the explosive can’t explode before you want it to. (resulting in a process referred to the medical community as premature evacuation)
- Gun enthusiasts were quick to point out that the man was not breaking any laws. (then they left to go shoot stuff, and join the FBI)
We’re glad to hear the man’s okay, and we just hope that next time he get the urge to gun down some Lowe’s products, he’ll at least back up a few more yards.
But he’s hardly an outlier. According to a local source, Georgia deputies receive two to five calls a week related to the explosive. If this kind of behavior continues in Georgia, it’s going to pose a serious challenge to Florida’s status as Weirdest State in the Union. After all, Florida’s weird-o-meter seems to have peaked with the discovery of giant Burmese pythons that are eating alligators in the Everglades.
Unless somebody starts stuffing the pythons into exploding lawnmowers.