Welcome to Flight Club

(it was a rough week for tuna, too)


Last week, Earth was a violent place…even for Earth. Afghanistan got beat up by a hell-maker known fondly as the Mother of All Bombs;, North Korea threatened to beat up the USA, and here at home, a major airline beat up a paying passenger.

The US military’s Massive Ordnance Air Blast (MOAB, aka the Mother of All Bombs) is the largest non-nuclear explosion ever detonated, if you don’t count the noises Winston Churchill used to make after getting in the brandy. The bomb was intended to land on what our last President called ISIL, and what this President calls ISIS, and who knows what the next President, Chelsea Clinton, will call it…Iris, maybe, or Ted.

One single MOAB costs $170,000, or $16 million, or $314 million, depending on which President you ask (in a related story, atomic weapons are called “nuclear” bombs or “nucular” bombs, depending on which President you ask). Each bomb weighs 21,000 pounds, which would be the equivalent of carpet-bombing the bad guys with two Chevrolet Suburbans, or President Taft. MOAB is magnitudes more powerful than, for example, the Tomahawk missle, except we aren’t allowed to say “tomahawk” anymore because we might risk offending someone who’s an indigenous North Americans, like Sitting Bull, or Elizabeth Warren.

Meanwhile last week, some 3,000 miles to the east, North Korea “threatened” to test-launch another nuclear or nucular bomb into the ocean, striking fear into the hearts of nearby tuna. The launch warning came from North Korea’s current leader, Kim Jong-Chia Pet, a god-man-child who seems to have gotten stuck with the world’s worst barber. To look at the guy’s haircut, you’d think both sides of his head had gotten grazed by a Tomahawk missile.

Speaking from the nation’s capital, Pyongyang (literal translation: Cleveland), NoKo’s President Chia Pet practically dared the United States to mess with him, or to try and stick its big Superpower nose into his business. North Korean political insiders (Dennis Rodman) say the NK President has the full support of both Premier Pak Pong-ju, who has normal, Earthling hair, and the chairperson of North Korea’s Parliament, Kim Yong-novak (no relation).

Following his underwhelming challenge, President Pet and several other people named Kim attended a huge military parade held on the Day of the Sun, a holiday marking the birthday of North Korea’s founder, Kim Il-Advised.

Despite the dare, however, sources close to US President Donald “I’m not my President” Trump say the State Department is prepared to admit as many as 500,000 displaced Korean refugee tuna.

Finally, back here at home, where Constitutionally-protected tuna are safe, or at least packed in oil, we have the bizarre story of a commercial airline that suddenly decided to become a professional wrestler. According to a YouTube video that’s now been viewed more times than Barack Obama’s incisors, United Airlines (literal translation: Pyongyang) so overbooked a flight out of Chicago’s O’Hare that they had no room for the flight crew, which may be the single most stupid business decision since Dick Nixon bought a tape deck.

Where things leapt to “bizarre” was when United Airline thugs gang-removed a seated passenger, a man who hadn’t even finished his complimentary bag of three peanuts. The ad hoc seating police posse literally dragged the passenger down the aisle and off the plane, where he was forced to sit in an airport terminal restaurant and live on $48 tuna fish sandwiches.

And of course, the entire episode was captured on iPhone cameras, wielded by every non-ejected passenger on the flight, all of whom were blissfully ignoring the captain’s “please turn off your iPhones” directive.

So. All in all, it’s a good thing last week is over. But let’s end on a bright note: here are some suggested new slogans for United’s marketing department:

  • Welcome to Flight Club. The first rule of Flight Club is: you don’t talk about Flight Club.
  • At United, we treat you just like we treat your baggage!
  • Thanks for flying United. You are now free to be dragged around the cabin.
  • Welcome to United flight 666. We hope you enjoy today’s in-flight movie, “Beating Raoul.”
  • Thanks for choosing United! Please note that there’s a $10 charge for each checked bag; however, we’ll gladly body-check you in the face for free.
  • Delta claims they love to fly. Phhh. Here at United, we love to flay…and it shows.

No charge, UA. Glad to help.

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