(Does Harriet Tubman cause homosexuality?)
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I need to share with you a couple things I saw on facebook … since, you know, because they’re on facebook, they’re true.
At first glance, these two things won’t seem to have anything in common. But they do. They point out a very scary trend: more and more people are getting their news from facebook, the largest social media platform in the universe, if you don’t count Hillary’s pantsuits.
According to a new study, over 60% of Millennials depend on facebook for their facts about the world…for their news, for their truths. (Millennials, also known as Generation Y, are loosely defined as anybody born between 1980 and 2000, which means there’s an entire generation who are younger than my shoes.)
And many of the Millennials have gotten confused, equating popular with important. Something is “trending” – therefore, it must be important. It must have value. Surely, it must be truth…I mean, look at all those likes!
An entire generation stuck between stupid and gullible: the bookends of ignorance. And if ignorance really is bliss, then facebook addicts should be ecstatic.
So here’s the first of our two topics…Exhibit A, if you will: the push by the US Treasury to remove President Andrew Jackson from the twenty-dollar bill, and to replace him with Harriet Tubman.
First of all, as with any massive government undertaking, there will be unintended consequences. Changing our currency is going to require a vast retraining program among drug dealers, thugs, pimps, and other politicians, who for ageless years have been referring to a twenty as a “Jackson,” a fifty as a “Land Grant,” two fifties as a “Ben,” and a thousand-dollar bill as “evidence.” Mark my words: it’s just a matter of time before some second-grader gets ripped off trying to buy an automatic weapon from Otto, the school’s temp custodian who got his job thanks to Obama’s Hire a Felon! initiative.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’ve got nothing against Harriet Tubman, a brilliant woman who invented peanut butter while writing Gone With the Wind on the back of an envelope. And I’ve got nothing against women in general, as long as they’re my Mom, or…or…um…well, as long as they’re my Mom. But if we collectively wanted to honor somebody who’s black by putting their face on the Jackson, why Harriet Tubman? Why not Dr. King? Or B.B. King? Or Bill Clinton?
And that’s when facebook got involved. See, facebook lets people “post,” which means any person can say absolutely anything about any topic, and facebook will let them share it with its one billion-plus members, as long as it’s not anything favorable to conservative Republicans. So people just let fly with hasty, error-filled, occasionally vile screeds – call it projectile typing.
So, as the Harriet Tubman story began to “trend,” here was one deep thinker’s disgruntled facebook post:
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Rosa Tubman is a very important historical person
BUT THEIR SHOULD BE A LAW
ONLY PRESIDENTS ON ARE MONEY
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Whew. “historical person” … “their should be a law” … “on are money” (Also, I assume the disgruntifier was confusing Harriet Tubman with Rosa Parks, a woman who was arrested for the simple act of not giving up her seat on a bus, while Hillary Clinton still walks free among us. But I see no reason to drag career criminals into this.)
And then there’s the outraged, all-caps rant that US currency should never include pictures of anybody except US Presidents. Remind me to ask President Ben Franklin about that.
Hey, disgruntled person! Here’s an idea: Why don’t you learn are language? Who do U think U R … Alfred Einstein?
Which brings us to Exhibit B: Science & Gay Grits
Not long ago, the facebook nation lost its collective mind over a “news story” about a “scientific study” that linked homosexuality with eating grits, which is “stupid.” But we saw it on facebook, so it must be true.
It gets better. The “study” claimed that it’s not the people who regularly eat grits who become gay…their children do. But it got lots of likes on facebook, so it must be accurate.
The story came from a website that claimed scientists at Stanford University had released a study showing that men who eat grits are 70% more likely to have gay children. (This other website, by the way, features other “true” headlines like Marijuana Overdoses Kill 37 in Colorado and Crowd Cheers As Trump Executes Illegal Alien at Florida Rally.) But it’s trending on facebook, so it must be important.
First of all, Stanford is located in California, which is a very large insane asylum masquerading as a State. Most people in California probably think “grits” is plural.
I know, I know. As if solid, hard science hadn’t already proven, beyond any doubt, that homosexuality is not caused by eating grits.
It’s caused by quiche.